Unsuccessful first time: what to do next. First unsuccessful sexual experience and its sad consequences Unsuccessful first time with a girl
The candy-bouquet period, sooner or later, quite logically brings lovers to bed. Let's say that up to this point everything in the relationship was good and cloudless. And in bed they suffered a complete fiasco ... To understand what to do next with this, you need to dwell a little on the possible scenarios of this very failure, because failures are completely different.
Physiology
The most common problem that occurs on a first horizontal date is what doctors call "erectile dysfunction." This is when a man is so tense that one of his parts cannot tense up to the required level of firmness. The situation is certainly not the most pleasant and at the same time the easiest to solve. For women, I have good news - your chosen one is not impotent at all. Men who have such a disorder are persistent are well aware of this and simply do not bring the matter to bed or warn in advance. And if the man initially showed activity and transferred everything to a horizontal plane, it means that he was sure that his “friend” would not let him down. And what happened to him is as much a surprise as it is to you. Now let's look at the most common reasons for such a fiasco and find out what to do.
The man is tired or worried. Perhaps it was not worth it to force things. You can always understand when a person is exhausted at work or flushed with excitement. But if this happened, then it is not at all a disaster. The main thing here is to get out of the situation as delicately as possible, expressing confidence that the next time everything will definitely work out, and in no case show disappointment. At the next meeting, pretend that nothing terrible has happened, but do not try to repeat it immediately. We continue to flirt and flirt as if nothing had happened, unobtrusively probing something in our pants.
If everything was done correctly, then you will find there a resilient response to your touch. Well, then it's a matter of technology.
The man drank too much. In general, the situation is similar to the previous one, except that appearing at the first meeting in the field of view of the girl you are caring for in such an unsightly form is a rather alarming signal. If this is just an accident or the result of factors beyond his control (well, he was at a corporate party!), Then you need to act in the same way as in the previous example. But if such an outrage is based on systematic alcohol abuse, it makes sense to think about whether it is worth continuing the relationship at all.
The man needs additional stimulation. He's all right, but in order to "find shape", he needs additional efforts on your part. For example, it will definitely start if you allow yourself to be lightly spanked. Or take pictures in spicy poses. Or have some unconventional sex. This is already cause for concern. First, most likely he is not interested in you specifically, but in this or that kind of sex. It is hardly worth expecting a serious relationship from a person who offers to dress up in a schoolgirl costume at the first intimate meeting and who (by chance, of course!) Brought it with him. Secondly, he clearly has a rich sexual experience, and his habits can become a problem in the future, especially if you do not practice what he is used to. And thirdly, the first meeting is clearly not a testing ground for daring sexual experiments; this can be dealt with later. If feelings are present, everything will work right away and as it should without latex and a piglet mask. In general, what can you say, "Run, Lola, run!"
At the most interesting moment, someone calls a man or an SMS message falls, and so on several times. And that's it, nothing happens. If such external factors influenced the erection, it means that the friend has a somewhat shattered psyche. Mutually passionate lovers with relatively strong nerves cannot be distracted from the process by a coughing grandmother behind a wall, or a snoring neighbor in a student dormitory, or all passengers of a long-distance night train taken together - checked. And if the guy's psyche is in order, then why does he react to text messages that way? Obviously, he is afraid of some kind of call and cannot concentrate. The former? Or maybe, in general, an ex who does not yet know that she is an ex? Even if it's just an angry boss, why not turn off the phone at all? In general, if a boy is in the mood for love, it makes sense for him to turn off all external stimuli. Otherwise, the girl will decide that he is at least not collected and absent-minded. Or that too nervous. Or that he has a different one. And he will send him, you know where.
Psychology
If everything is quite simple with physiology, then with the psychological reasons for failure in the first sex, you can get stuck for a long time. Moreover, if in the case of a physiological inability to have sexual intercourse this is primarily a problem of the bearer of a known organ, then here the reason can be hidden both in his head and in hers.
It usually looks like this. Hugs, kisses, touches, and maybe even more overt actions, the most that neither is sex, and suddenly ... That's it. Have arrived. Both understand that something is wrong, tense, sit on the bed and are silent. She might cry. He can freak out. The most irreparable thing that can happen next is silence. If you can't speak, then that's all, you can assume that there will be no relationship. Dressed and dispersed like ships at sea. Therefore, we must speak.
But, of course, talking is not the first thing that comes to mind! The worst option is to turn the case into confrontation, into a claim. “Well, what's wrong? What does not suit you? " Jokes and humor will help defuse the situation, but at the same time you need to show maximum tact, otherwise you can bring everything down with one word. “Once during a hike I fell asleep next to a log, so the sensations were exactly the same as now!” It is better not to immediately touch on this delicate situation at all, but to talk about something abstract in order to relieve tension. And after that, calmly say goodbye (but not forever, of course!) And slowly think over everything that happened.
Perhaps people were just strangers in bed. It happens, you have to leave. Then the feeling of disgust will only grow, nothing can be done about it, you cannot be forcibly sweet. The most difficult thing here is to admit it to yourself.
Perhaps you had different expectations, different stereotypes of sexual behavior. He was waiting for an Amazon with disheveled hair, screaming with passion, and she was waiting for him to tell her a story about a unicorn. If there is attraction, but it could not break through complexes, stereotypes and attitudes, you need to communicate, meet, talk a lot and very carefully grope for scenarios acceptable for both. The path is difficult, but not hopeless.
Or maybe it was just a bad day, and it is worth trying another time. There are a huge number of factors traumatizing the subtle mental organization, and all of them can provoke such a failure. Immediately saying “it's not mine” is not worth it - you need to take a breath, calm down, think. And if the next day the hand itself reaches for the phone, it means that everything is not hopeless, then it is worth trying again and again. As the ancient Roman poet wrote, "love conquers everything." The main thing is to have it. And everything else will follow. Well, or it will rise, in our case.
The relationship with a new fan has already come to its climax, and now the first night comes, which you are so looking forward to and anticipating. The most rosy pictures are always drawn in the imagination, but reality can be disappointing. The first sex with a new partner is often unsuccessful, which can adversely affect the development of the relationship or even slow down them altogether. Do I need to jump to conclusions? The author of the site, a consultant psychologist at the St. Petersburg Sundeev Center, Rodion Chepalov, and a practicing psychologist, personal and professional development consultant Yekaterina Zalota understand the problem.
The problems of the first night are different - everything goes either too quickly, or somehow indistinct, sometimes rude, and sometimes you just feel frustrated. In sex, everyone can be as he is, and it is not surprising that the first time we may not be ready for new experiences.
Reasons for failure
Statistics show that every second couple does not get sex for the first time. In sex with a new partner, we show our old habits, and sometimes they do not serve us in the best way. In addition, for the first time, both partners are under the influence of a passionate desire, which can either "liberate" too much, and, conversely, squeeze and not allow their desires to manifest. There is also such a feature: partners want by all means to show themselves in front of each other in the most favorable light, to please at any cost, and they "overextend themselves." This interferes with the naturalness of the process.
Sometimes partners (and especially women) are very hindered by comparisons with “exes”. These sentimental journeys into the past are not the best fuel for new relationships, but it is hardly possible to completely abstract from this.
Physiological reasons are no less important in why sex does not work out. If a man has not had sexual intercourse for a long time, ejaculation can happen much earlier than orgasm, not to mention the fact that you may simply not have time to properly engage in the process. The degree of voltage is great, and this is normal for the situation. This can in its own way please a woman, because if he waited for so long, it means that he is faithful and really wants her very much.
Spontaneity is not always good for sex. It is possible that one of the partners was simply not mentally ready for sex, but succumbed to this very spontaneity. Fears, such as pregnancy, are often the reasons for failure. Even if contraception has been discussed in advance, with a new partner you still cannot be completely sure that you will be taken care of.
“The reasons for the unsuccessful first sex can be tactlessness, inattention to feelings - your own and your partner, emotional immaturity, excessive haste,- says Rodion Chepalov. - People with repressed sexuality do not know how to negotiate, do not feel a partner, cannot ask for help, take care of themselves and their partner, and give pleasure. Also, one of the reasons may be an unfinished story in the past or feelings for a former partner. Some generally enter into new sexual relationships not for love, but "to forget the old." All this does not contribute to harmony in bed. Haste and formal physiological approach are bad.
The reasons for unsuccessful sex can also be purely external circumstances, for example, unfortunate conditions. In order for everything to work out for the first time and at the highest level, you still need to be fully relaxed.
“Everything affects equally- says Rodion Chepalov. - Unfortunate conditions create tension in terms of being caught off guard, alcoholic intoxication disorientates, fears ("how I look") stifle. "
Preventive measures
Is it possible to insure as much as possible against an unsuccessful first time? First, you can talk about your expectations and try to clarify your partner's wishes. Secondly, to listen to your intuition, and not to think about the "technicality" of the process, to engage in less "speculation" and analysis of why you can't have sex the way you want. Finally, by all means try to distract from all memories and comparisons - there is no place for a third person in bed.
Don't expect "everything at once" and try everything. Not everyone is ready for sex experiments.
“Emotional maturity, psychological readiness for difficult actions, the ability to behave, the ability to take responsibility, offer help, the desire to please the partner, will help in this process, - says Rodion Chepalov. - In second place is sexual culture: knowledge of how the body works, what difficulties may arise and how to overcome them. It is also important to completely end the old relationship so that it does not dominate the new one and does not spoil the sex life with unpleasant memories.
Should you hurry?
Probably not. The outburst of passion is well known, but there is plenty of evidence that women are more likely to regret, for example, having sex on their first date. It is better when partners know each other better.
"I would suggest doing this not" by calculation "(" struck "), but" by love ", - says Rodion Chepalov. - The motivation may be: "I love this person, so I want to be with him right now in a special relationship, I want to be happy with him and make him (her) happy." I think the emotional fulfillment of the relationship is most important. But we must also not forget about pregnancy planning, contraception, hygiene issues on critical days - this can and should stop any sex, even if there is love. "
Reactions and consequences
Someone is able to step over an unsuccessful experience and close their eyes to it, while for someone it becomes a source of deep feelings.
“After unsuccessful sex, frustration, disappointment, a feeling of hopelessness, uselessness and inferiority often follow, - says Rodion Chepalov. - It is especially unpleasant when unconstructive comparisons come to mind. There can be apathy and indifference, and, conversely, claims or tears. Depressive states roll over: “since it didn't work out, it means they don't like me,” “I'm bad,” but at the same time, if there is emotional involvement that is not limited to attraction, you can pay attention to other things - treat with understanding, help. Then failure will not be so experienced and you can correct everything. "
How to fix errors
Take into account the fact that when meeting with a new partner, a woman experiences an orgasm on average only for the tenth time. It takes time to get used to each other, and if the first time sex does not work out, this does not mean that there will be problems in the future.
If the first night was unsuccessful, next time you should not act on the principle of sharp contrast and under the slogan "change everything urgently." Better to do it gradually.
A sense of humor is our everything! Any failure can be turned into a cute joke.
"Immediately after an unsuccessful event, it is worth treating the situation with understanding, perhaps talking with a partner (but later and if you think it is appropriate), ask to correct behavior, develop tactics for further actions, ask for help", - says Rodion Chepalov.
If this is an accidental connection, you can try to reduce the level of significance of what happened: "you think ...", "okay ...", "this is not the worst thing that can happen." It is important that you do not carry over a dramatic experience from one story to another and do not drag the tail of the experience with you.
If you intend to continue the relationship, criticism and complaints can exacerbate the situation and leave an unpleasant aftertaste. It's hardly worth dwelling on failure either. Better to revisit the romantic tape and repeat everything with a different mood.
The “unsuccessful” first time is an assessment. This means that there was some idea of \u200b\u200bhow it should be, but in a relationship with another person this is obviously a failure, not for the first time, so in the second, - sums up Ekaterina Zalota. - Whether to give a chance depends on the meaning you put into it. Is it again an expectation of what will happen according to your ideal idea, or are you ready to see in the so-called failure a chance to look more deeply and broadly at your relationship? It is important to think about what kind of ideal you are looking for compliance, what is closeness for each of you, whether your ideas about it coincide. And at the same time, look at whether you are able to convey to another person your desires, your ideas. "
The person remembers the first sexual experience for the whole life and therefore a lot depends on how everything went. For the first time, everything is important: in what conditions and where the sex took place, what was the relationship of young people, whether they gave each other pleasure, whether they managed to avoid fear.
Unfortunately, both guys and girls often go for the first intimacy, as if accomplishing a feat. Not because of the desire for sex as such. The motives are completely different - to prove to yourself and your partner that "I am already an adult and am worth something." This is usually the motivation that works. Although the first time in young men may be motivated by an excess of hormones. The girls take this step because "it's time", "I'm one of my friends who hasn't done this yet," "my boyfriend insists on this, I can't refuse."
The problem is that all these reasons are conventions that are accepted among adolescents. A good reason for the first try should be the mutual desire of both partners. Both the guy and the girl must understand what is happening at the moment. In a couple, there should be mutual understanding - without it, you cannot go on to intimacy. For example, a girl must say that she is in pain or unpleasant, and this requires a trusting relationship.
What threatens the first unsuccessful sexual experience
According to experts, there is no need to rush with the first sex. Bad early sexual experiences can have negative consequences. Psychologists and sexologists have long established that if the psyche of a young man or girl is not ready to enter into an intimate life, then this is fraught with mental trauma, which can lead to various kinds of complexes. Such complexes in later life impede the conduct of high-quality sexual relations.
Another negative factor is the increase in the percentage of HIV infections. For the first time, many neglect the use of technical contraception. In case of illness, people do not understand what is happening to them, and they are embarrassed to go to the doctor. As a result, the disease can become neglected or even chronic. And even after healing, some guys and girls are afraid to have sex, because there is a fear of being infected again.
In 90 cases out of 100, the first unsuccessful sexual experience becomes the cause of the girl's frigidity, sexual disharmony, her inability to get an orgasm and negative attitude towards the male sex.
How to understand that "it is already possible"
The first time is wonderful between loving people, in a couple where there is trust. When it is not sex as such, experience, orgasm (which the girl will not have for the first time) is important, but the unity of two people between whom there are feelings. Tenderness, happiness, joy, gratitude - the first sex can be colored by a variety of positive emotions.
How parents can help
Today, when children learn about sex very early, and not from the best sources, parental wisdom plays an important role. You shouldn't avoid talking with your teenager about sex, on the contrary - be sincere with your child, there should be a trusting relationship between you. Tell your teen about the feelings he / she may have, about contraceptives and their importance. Say that you can be relied on and tell everything - be a friend to your child in any situation.
What to do if the first time was unsuccessful
If your first sexual experience has failed and you find it difficult to get through; if your further sex life is associated with complexes - do not hesitate and go for a full-time consultation with a psychologist. In this case, you should not trust your friends and the Internet, you need professional help from a psychologist and work on yourself.
Question to the psychologist:
Hello. My name is Valery, I am 18 years old and I have a problem. I love one single girl, and I have never loved anyone before. For me, she is the person for whom it is worth living, we have been together for 3 months, and have known each other for about two years. Everything is fine in our relationship, we do not quarrel, we do not swear, we understand each other perfectly, but we often have many other problems, because of which we are often in a state of stress, excitement, bad mood and only the presence of each other next to each other saves. And we, like any normal couple, gradually approached the beginning of sexual activity, felt attraction to each other, wanted it, but refrained and decided to postpone it until a later date. Recently it was the birthday of my girlfriend's best friend. It was we who were supposed to prepare this holiday for her, but we had some problems and initially we could not get there, which is why we were in a frustrated state. But at one fine moment, everything turned out the way we wanted, we were able to get to this holiday, we immediately had a good mood and the desire for each other increased. We decided to make love for the first time that night. I was so happy that I had absolutely no control over myself and drank quite a bit, but I did not experience a state of strong intoxication. When we were in the bedroom, we started the foreplay, and when it was time to move on to the process itself, I felt that I did not have an erection .. I never thought that this would happen to me, and therefore all night after this I was killed, I was incredibly bad, even though the girl reassured me and assured me that everything was fine. I could not understand why this happened, and fell into the deepest depression and could not do absolutely anything for two days. I thought it might be due to fatigue, as the day before I spent at work, worn out.
Perhaps due to self-doubt, I cannot deal with it. And now, we agreed to try again on a certain day, and if this happens to me again, I don't know how I can live on. Please help me with advice on how to give yourself confidence, are not afraid, to completely plunge into this process?
What can be done?
Psychologist Elena Sergeevna Bobyleva answers the question.
Dear Valery, thank you for your question.
First of all, there is no need to worry. Since you planned and postponed this event, it became super significant for both of you ... A lot of people are afraid of success and sabotage it in various ways - maybe it happened to you. Sex is not an event in life (even the first one) - it is a normal continuation of the relationship between a man and a woman. I am sure that your friend loves you the way you are and does not need to prove anything to her or herself. And more spontaneity in life in general and in sex in particular. You agreed to try again on a certain day and it seems to me that you are waiting for it, like an exam with fear of failure. Try to rebuild - accept yourself as you are - you are a person, not a machine that works flawlessly in any situation. And instead of presenting pictures that everything did not work out again, imagine how everything happens exactly as you would like in the most beautiful dream. And scroll this "dream" in your imagination until it becomes true.) Relax and enjoy yourself, your friend, your youth and love!
The relationship between the sexes involves friction.
Samuel Butler
When sex therapists talk to their patients, it usually turns out
that the first unsuccessful sexual experience leaves its negative imprint
for all further sexual life.
After the first fiasco, some guys try to avoid
girls so as not to be ridiculed. It can be especially painful
feelings of a teenager if other guys show off their sexual
experience, supposedly they are all right.
15-year-old Misha, whom I was treating for depression, said: "I
met with Lena from the parallel class. During the day when her parents are not
was at home, we often sat with her. Hugged and kissed, I wanted
more, but I was afraid. Then we had one time, and I realized that I did not
first. Lena knew better than me what to do, and I felt
helpless inept. Somehow it all ended, and I realized that she
disappointed. I began to pester her with questions about who she had before me,
and she got angry and said: "Leave me alone, they were better than you!" I was offended and
left, and she began to walk with a guy from the 9th grade. Somehow he came up to me
and in front of all the guys he said that I "shouldn't," so Lena
threw. I started to fight, but he was stronger, the guys separated us. Then my
sasha's friend once asked if it was true that I had "not worth it." I and him a little
did not give a mouthful. All the girls from our and other classes were whispering about
my back and giggled. The guys also teased me all the time. You will not
beat everyone in the face. I could hardly endure the end of the school year and said
parents that I won't go to school anymore. They pestered with questions that
happened, then they reconciled and transferred me to another school. Now I do not know,
what should I do, what if the new school also learns about everything and teases me.
Then I’ll definitely quit school. I don't like girls, I don't want to be a goat again
absolution. I'm in a bad mood, I sit at home all the time, I don't even want to go out
into the yard, the guys from our house already know everything. "
Failure of the first sexual experience can form a complex
inferiority. Some adolescents develop an intimate fear
proximity. This fear is fixed and can completely discourage interest in sex.
even in adulthood. By this mechanism, adult men develop
various sexual disorders - decrease or absence of sexual
cravings, weak erection, impotence, premature or delayed
ejaculation. Failure in adolescence is the basis for adult sexual dysfunction.
A person's sex life depends on many factors. In order to
a man's sex life was normal, it is required that he has
desire to have an intimate relationship (sexual attraction) and opportunities
for this (sufficient erection and the ability to perform frictional movements
into the vagina for a certain time without ejaculation), that is,
normal potency.
Lack of desire for sexual intercourse is called attraction disorder.
There are many reasons for this, in particular, improper sex education, violation
psychosexual development. But also the sexual failures of adolescence
are also very important. When sexuality isn't enough
formed, any negative influence can play a role.
The "hormonal rebellion" of puberty is not sexuality yet.
The teenager just needs sexual release, as the accumulating
semen causes sexual arousal.
In adult men, it does not happen that sexual attraction
unfocused. As a rule, the object of attraction is a specific woman, namely
he wants her. A man can have genuine sex with a woman he loves, and
the unloved he doesn't even have an erection. One woman can do anything
to be wonderful, but with a new partner nothing works. Adults
men understand this and treat such "punctures" calmly. Is not
means that a man is impotent, this is normal sexuality. Sexuality
- a very vulnerable area, there are many nuances here.
Failures can be with every man, for example, if he is tired, recently
sick or in trouble and upset, thinks about something else, not about
sex, if he doesn't like the partner or get bored, if they often quarrel
or he is offended at her if he drank a lot or ate a lot - and a lot
other reasons. A man with mature sexuality knows his sex
ability, he is confident; episodic setbacks cannot shake
his confidence.
And in a teenager, sexual desire is still poorly differentiated and not always
is aimed at a specific girl (or girl). Teenager's attempt to
sexual intercourse with a girl who he does not really like may
lead to a fiasco, and this has a depressing effect on the development of his sexuality.
The teenager has neither experience nor self-confidence, any
an unfavorable situation creates the basis for the formation of complexes.
Having failed, the teenager does not want to expose himself to repeated
humiliation and avoids repetition of such a situation. Fear of the possible
the fiasco is consolidated - and this is one of the main ways of forming
psychological impotence.
The more a person fears that during the next sexual intercourse he
will not be up to par, the less sexual arousal he has, which
suppressed by this fear, and accordingly, weaker erection. And there is
vicious circle. Many of my adult impotence patients
believed that the cause was precisely the negative sexual experience of the adolescent
age and a complex that has formed on this soil.
One of my patients said: "I was 16 years old. My parents left
on vacation, and the dacha was empty, and I invited the guys from our company. Us
there were four guys and four girls. Everyone already knew that we would be in pairs. we
decided in advance who will be with whom. I was both interested and a little scared.
At the dacha we had a lot of homemade wine, and we all got drunk, and then all
the guys with their girls went to their rooms, and I stayed with mine. I
i do not remember how everything was, I wanted to and poked at her, but nothing
it worked, but she fidgeted and only interfered with me. Then she screamed that so
we won't succeed, turned over on her stomach and got on all fours,
and again I could not get into it, I poked, poked, and
then I got scared that nothing was working out for me, and immediately my penis fell off and
did not get up anymore. And she told me that I was a weakling, and if she were
knew, she would never have stayed with me, but would have gone with Pasha, with whom
met before, Pasha is all right, he has already fucked half the class. I
felt like a fool, and then she told all our
guys. Everyone made fun of me, and since then I did not want to have
deal with the girls, suddenly I'm a weakling again. Now with women at
nothing works for me. I'm just afraid of them. "
Impotence is the inability to have a sufficient erection or maintain
sufficient erection before the completion of intercourse. Complete lack of erection
is rare. Most often there is an incomplete erection, too weak for
inserting the penis into the vagina and having intercourse. Or before
sexual intercourse the erection is normal, but then it quickly disappears
Fear of failure is a major factor in development
sexual impotence. This happens in cases where a person doubts
his sexual abilities and tells himself in advance that he may have
nothing will work. Self-hypnosis is known to be a great thing. When
a person goes to intimacy, pre-determined to fail, he, as a rule,
doomed to fiasco.
This is typical not only of adolescents and young men, but also of adult men.
If a man strives for intimacy with a woman, but at the same time experiences
fear, then sexual intercourse becomes, as it were, a signal of danger (fear
partner's pregnancy and its consequences, fear of being ridiculed by the partner,
lose your reputation, ruin your relationship). The closer the time is intimate
intimacy, the stronger the feeling of fear becomes and the worse things are with an erection.
In these conditions, sexual intercourse, which a man seeks,
subconsciously carries a threat to him. The closer the target, the higher
a threat. When fear exceeds the severity of sexual arousal,
just before or even during intercourse an erection
disappears. If you cannot have the first sexual intercourse, then it can become
mental trauma, on the basis of which sexual neurosis is formed, and
each subsequent failure aggravates erectile dysfunction and enhances the feeling
fear. Dissatisfaction, frustration and fear of the partner's reaction
failure can be so pronounced that even completed intercourse gives
feeling of only physical relaxation, but does not give emotional
satisfaction.
Your sexual failures, even if they happened sporadically
man never forgets. Even after tens of years, when with potency everything
safely, the man clearly remembers his state of helplessness and
humiliation and subconsciously afraid of a repetition of such a situation. but
a strong man knows how to cope with this, and he does not develop
sexual neurosis.
Impotence can develop due to the fact that "in the most responsible
moment "someone enters the room, or partners are caught somewhere in
in the wrong place.
Teenagers have no privacy; intercourse at
minors are usually carried out in some random place or in
parents' apartment. Accordingly, the risk of being "caught" is very
high. And this is a strong stress factor.
Even an adult man experiences psychological shock if strangers
find him in the wrong place, half-naked and in an unambiguous pose, and
a teenager - even more so. Uninvited "spectators" are likely to erupt
angry tirade, but for a teenager who already realizes that they are with
girlfriends are engaged in a forbidden business, to which adults will react with obvious
disapproval is doubly stressful.
Sasha and Nina met for about a year. Parents looked at their relationship
favorably. They, of course, did not suspect that the teenagers had been close for a long time.
In the afternoon, when Nina's parents were at work, the guys remained in an empty
apartment, and when the parents came home from work, they pretended that they had just
finished their lessons and went for a walk.
One day, at the most piquant moment, young lovers heard that
the front door opened and Nina's father entered, talking with some
a man, obviously a colleague from work. The teenagers recoiled from each other and
froze, not knowing what to do. Their clothes were on the floor, but they
confused that they didn't even try to get dressed. Nina buried her face on her knees and
lamented: "Oh, what will happen now ?!", but Sasha nevertheless caught himself and managed to
pull on your panties.
When Nina's father entered the room, he was at first dumbfounded, and then
pounced on Sasha, showered him with curses, slapped him in the face and
threw him out the door, and then threw his clothes. Sasha dressed somehow and
ran home, and then shook with humiliation that he had been treated like
naughty puppy.
Nina went to another school, her parents forbade her after school
to leave the house, and the former "lovers" saw each other only from afar. Sasha already has
there was no desire to meet with her.
Over time, everything was forgotten, Sasha fell in love with another girl. She was
older than him, she lived alone and it would seem that nothing threatened him. However, in
a similar situation, he constantly caught himself on the fact that, against his will
listens to steps on the stairs, to the noise of the elevator, shudders from any
sound, from the creak of the bed, and even from the voice of your partner. Of course he has
nothing succeeded. This was repeated several times, in the end the girl
got angry and called him "impotent". They quarreled and stopped
meet.
For several years Sasha had no one. He finished school, entered
institute, fell in love. But as soon as it came to sex, Sasha was
covered with goose bumps, was afraid of every sharp sound and again found himself
powerless. He tried to persuade himself that he was now an adult, and
no one would throw him out by the scruff, but he could not help himself.
Because of this, he broke up with one girl, then with another.
Having finally believed that he was a "sexual invalid", Sasha waved his hand
on women. It was only at the age of 30 that he decided to continue this way.
cannot, and came to me for a consultation.
Erectile dysfunction, regardless of the situation in which it happened,
can lead to depression, feelings of guilt, feelings of inadequacy
and is a stressful factor.
Fear of being powerless is experienced by many unsure of themselves
adolescents and young men who have an inferiority complex, not even associated with
sex life.
Among adolescents there are those who change sexual partners "as
gloves "- today one, tomorrow another, the day after tomorrow a third. They boast
their sexual "exploits" in front of friends, and they secretly envy them and
complex.
In fact, there is nothing to envy here. Psychiatrists call it
don Juan syndrome. It is peculiar precisely to those who are not sure of their
sexual ability. It is these doubts that prompt him constantly
change sexual partners to "test yourself". Thus teenager
asserts itself, trying to prove to himself and everyone around that
he's supposedly all right. But in reality, not everything is in order. it
just speaks of the opposite - of his sexual weakness. In addition, by itself
frequent change of "bed" partners is one of the reasons
subsequent occurrence of sexual disorders, and the risk of failure with a new
partner is rising. So he drives himself into a trap. And his
insolvency is trying to cover up with bragging.
Normally, ejaculation should occur 2-6 minutes after the start
sexual intercourse and, on average, after 30-50 frictions (movements of the penis during
vagina). Premature ejaculation (premature ejaculation) -
this is the occurrence of orgasm and ejaculation almost immediately after insertion
penis in the vagina or even before. With early ejaculation
(even before the introduction of the penis into the vagina) to have sexual intercourse
impossible, because after ejaculation the erection disappears.
In adolescents, due to strong sexual overexcitation, the first sexual
the act usually ends after several frictions, and for some
ejaculation occurs before the introduction of the penis into the vagina, with
contact of the penis with the entrance to the vagina, but it can occur in
period of preliminary erotic caresses, even when they are not associated with
by touching his genitals. Ejaculation can occur when
kisses, when touching the partner's genitals and even at that time,
when she undresses before intercourse. An erection can be
normal or partial. In some cases, ejaculation even occurs
with a complete lack of erection.
All the teens I spoke with said that for the first time, all
ended too quickly, there was not even any special sensation, and
just a few cramps and that's it, no better than masturbation.
This discouraged them. The partners were also disappointed. Teenagers,
heard from friends that someone is able to "saw" for half an hour,
feel insolvent and afraid that next time it will be all over again
will end too quickly. This is most often the case. The more
the teenager is afraid and doubts about his capabilities, the greater the risk that
he will "disgrace himself" again. A teenager expects failure with fear, but anxiety
he either has no erection, or he ejaculates before intercourse, or
a few seconds after the start of intercourse. Over time, sexual
disorder (sexual dysfunction) becomes persistent.
Alexey, one of my patients, complained about
premature ejaculation. He said that as a teenager, he fell in love with
his sister's friend, who was 6 years older than him. He's quiet at first
suffered, not daring to confess, but one day he plucked up courage and confessed to her
love. She laughed at him, saying that he still needs to grow up. But still
she liked that a teenager was so touchingly in love with her. Girl
flirted with him, as if inadvertently touched him, innocently
joked. In his dreams, Lesha imagined her naked, how confident he was
takes him, and she melts with happiness in his arms.
Once, under some pretext, she invited him to her place. On
legs buckling with excitement, he came with a bouquet of flowers. Girl not
began to waste time in vain and immediately carried him into the bedroom.
Lesha was confused, sweating all over, tangled in the sleeves of his shirt,
he could unzip his jeans, it got stuck, and he was angry and in a hurry.
Having straightened out the lightning, he was terribly proud to face the future
mistress already with an erection. But it didn't last long. As soon as he goes to her
touched it, and it ended right there. She tried not to show her
disappointment and consoled him that he was simply worried. But the more
she consoled him, the more Lesha felt sorry for himself and finally burst into tears.
A few days later, she again invited him to her place and again everything
repeated. He felt so humiliated and unhappy that he did not
listen to her sympathetic words and immediately left. On the way home, he's in
desperately muttered to himself: "I hate, I hate, I hate all of you!" Whom
it is he who hates and for what - he himself did not know. Most of all he despised
yourself. Then this girl came to his sister more than once, and Lesha
hiding in his room.
Later he had several more partners, and everything was repeated, as in
first time. Five years have passed, Lesha met a girl, she is very
liked it, but he was afraid that he would be disgraced again, and tried to avoid
situations involving closeness. It was going to the wedding, Lesha realized that this
the problem must be solved, and asked for help.
By a similar mechanism, this sexual dysfunction occurs when
intercourse occurs in an inappropriate situation if others are nearby
people, or someone can enter the room, as well as in cases where sexual
the act is interrupted by some kind of external interference.
Premature ejaculation is primarily associated with
psychological factors - fear of being insolvent, concern
their sexual abilities, having sex "hastily", lack of control
over oneself, being in love and overexcited, first sexual intercourse
a virgin teen or first intercourse with a new partner, even if
the teenager already has sexual experience. Like a weak erection, premature
ejaculation can be the result of sexual intercourse in adolescence
age that occurred in situations where it was undesirable for them
detection. Negatively affects the need to quickly finish
intercourse, for example, if there is a fear of external interference or the appearance
strangers.
Premature ejaculation can be caused by the teenager's fear that
the partner can get pregnant, her requests and comments before and during
sexual intercourse. Interrupted intercourse that is practiced with a purpose
protection from pregnancy is also one of the common reasons
the occurrence of premature ejaculation. In this case, you need to quickly
remove the penis from the vagina to avoid sperm getting into it.
In adolescents, this increases arousal and accelerates the onset of ejaculation.
The essence of ejaculation control is the ability to control
own sexual arousal. Only experienced men are capable of this,
who train specifically. And teenagers because of the high sex
excitability cannot control ejaculation, so almost all
ejaculation is too fast. So the stories that
"bullied" by teenagers, boasting that they are capable of real intercourse although
during the time that is considered normal for intercourse - all this
lies.
Once or twice and ended - that's about how "sex life" happens
most adolescents.
The whole trouble is that this stereotype is fixed and persists even
many years later. Men suffering from premature ejaculation cannot
neither anticipate the onset of ejaculation, nor regulate it when
emotional stress is high. Need to go through a long course of sex therapy
to learn how to control ejaculation and reach at least the lower limit
norms of duration of sexual intercourse.
Women scornfully call these partners "rabbits".
Most of the patients who complained about
premature ejaculation, started having sex too early, still
as teenagers. Then this disorder became so
pronounced, which cost a man in a situation of intimacy only to think
about the possibility of premature ejaculation, as it immediately came.
It's all about the high sexual excitability inherent in adolescence
age. The sexual sphere is so vulnerable that the slightest negative
factors negatively affect sexual ability.
The opposite of premature ejaculation is a sexual disorder -
delayed ejaculation. It means that ejaculation does not occur for a very long time and
it takes a long time from the beginning of intercourse to its completion, despite
on the desire of a partner to speed up ejaculation.
Only beginners can assume that long-term intercourse is what
need. In fact, there is nothing good about it. Impossibility for a long time
achieving sexual relaxation is extremely painful. Besides, long-term friction
mucous membranes causes genital trauma and inflammatory
processes.
Delayed ejaculation may be due to demands from a teenager
certain sexual activities. For example, a more experienced partner gives
"guidelines" on what and how exactly he should do. A teenager has it
causes a subconscious protest, he wants to dominate and be
"a real man" and not follow the instructions of a mistress.
Even grown men do not tolerate when a woman commands in bed, and
teenagers and even more so.
Unwanted comments from a partner during intimacy,
discussion of how he conducts intercourse and his sexual ability - all this
is a brake on the growth of arousal, so ejaculation
delayed.
Sexual trauma, for example, can cause delayed ejaculation.
real or perceived betrayal of the beloved. Feelings of guilt and shame too
has an inhibitory effect on ejaculation. Delayed ejaculation may be
associated with psychological discomfort, stiffness of a teenager,
the inability to completely relax and feel liberated,
"go to the end" or completely surrender to the partner (especially if
the teenager does not harbor passionate feelings for her).
Sometimes teenagers have sex with the wrong girl who
like it, but with any available partner who doesn't like it at all, but
does not refuse anyone.
Failure to ejaculate may be due to subconscious
dislike for a sexual partner or her erotic unattractiveness.
"Affordable" girls, as a rule, are far from beauties with a figure
photo models; some of them are real ugly who try to at least
thus attract the opposite sex. Almost all minors
sluts who visited our teenage department (parents rafted
them to a psychiatric hospital, being unable to cope with them), - were
terrible as a mortal sin. Besides, they are all terrible sluts and not
take care of personal hygiene. Who likes it when the partner "carries"
the smell of an unwashed body and traces of other people's sins ?! So what about erotic
the attractiveness of such girls is out of the question. Somewhere in a semi-dark basement after
glass of alcohol, she will still fit as an object for a sexual
discharge, and in daylight she is simply physically disgusting to a teenager.
Distracting external noise can also cause delay
ejaculation. Ejaculation may be absent if sexual intercourse is too frequent
acts.
Delayed ejaculation may be due to fear of unwanted
partner's pregnancy. If she is afraid of getting pregnant, but to prevent
pregnancy, young lovers practice interrupted intercourse, then
the teenager is very afraid that he will have ejaculation earlier than he
can stop intercourse. Because of this, he is in constant stress that
prevents the build-up of arousal.
The problem is that any sexual disorder, once it occurs, has
a tendency to repetition. It can manifest itself even in a completely different, completely
favorable situation, the teenager only needs to remember about his past
failure. Or he may have an association with that old situation.
Then the sexual disorder is recorded and reflected in further
sexual activity.
Any situations that hurt their pride, adolescents endure extremely
painful, and as far as manhood is concerned, painful
doubly.
The fear of repeating failure may not even be realized, but will manifest itself
suddenly. After all, the psyche of a teenager is still unstable and difficult to predict,
what a surprise she has in store. There is no more traumatizing factor
than anything related to sexual
abilities of a man, regardless of his age - from a teenager to
old age.
Even with the loss of an arm, leg, one kidney, or an eye, adolescents, youths and
men can still come to terms, but never with the loss of sexual ability.
This is a loss of self-esteem, a soil for complexes, a lack of interest in female
gender to him and himself to the female sex, and sometimes depression and even
attempted suicide.
Men with sexual dysfunctions tend to avoid women and
do not dare to marry. And already at the age of 30-35, when parents complain that
the son is still not married, he is forced to turn to a sex therapist. And only
then it turns out that the reason lies in a bad sexual experience
adolescence.
These are the problems that can arise when a teenager tries to cheat.
physiology. No wonder all doctors emphasize that sex in adolescence
age can have very undesirable consequences. If it wasn't for
was - why would we encourage teenagers to be more circumspect?
It would seem that doctors don't care - if teenagers really want to, let
do what they want, just let them protect themselves. In the real life
it turns out that parents are not able to keep track of their son, and he through
for several years he comes to the doctor, depressed and unhappy, and asks him
help. Isn't it too expensive a payment for a very dubious pleasure -
being a teenager, having sex with equally inept
peers? ..
