Why relationships don't work out with anyone. Why relationships with men don't work out? Different value systems
Knowing when to quit and when to move on is key to emotional survival.
Until we are 200% sure that the relationship is over, we continue to believe in it. This is understandable, because in a few years (or months) we become so attached to a person, we can say “grow into” him, that it is very painful to part. It is clear that you are trying to preserve the relationship: there is always hope that they will change for the better.
Not everyone has the courage to ruin a relationship the moment it actually ends. Here are 21 signs that "finita la comedy", if it has not yet arrived, is already very, very close. If at least four points out of all you say: "This is about us," - think about parting more seriously than usual.
1. Resentment
You constantly resent your partner, but don't say anything. You think that this is how you keep your relationship, but in reality you are only delaying that unpleasant moment when all the accumulated negative will break out and your connection will end in a painful break.
Resentment does not go anywhere, especially if the factors that cause it do not disappear. If it does not spill out, it means that it accumulates inside, and this causes stress and illness. And, of course, it destroys the relationship - slowly but surely.
2. Disrespect
If you and your partner have reached the point where you show mutual disrespect, it's time to destroy your illusions. There is nothing easier than to stop feeling affection for someone who disrespects you.
People can continue to live together without respect and awareness of the value of each other, which leads to an absolute indifference about the needs and desires of a partner. Well, what kind of continuation can we talk about?
3. Contempt
It doesn't matter what motives aroused contempt, be it a failed one, a change in appearance, or something else. Partners should support each other in any situation, because is it not this warmth that we need so much under any circumstances, and especially during some personal problems.
If you began to treat each other with contempt, no longer receive warmth from the relationship and live not with a friend who understands, but with a cold being who condemns you, why continue?
4. Lies
I am talking about the lies when you tell a person: "I love you" without feeling any feelings. You are afraid of hurting him, but you are not really protecting him, but only making him worse. The truth will come out: you cannot lie all your life and at the same time not ruin it for yourself and your partner.
Well, if you say to yourself: “We are happy, I am happy, everything is fine with us,” when you feel that everything is over for you, this is also an escape from reality.
5. Mistrust
If you don't trust your partner, then there is a reason for this. If they are so serious that trust cannot be restored, why stay with this person? All your life to check, worry and waste your nerves?
6. Swearing in public
Anything good that you can say about your partner can be said in public. And all the bad things are better left for private conversations. To scold a person in public means to achieve only a negative response or a hidden resentment.
In addition, if you scold your partner in public, or even just allow yourself unpleasant jokes about him, it means that dissatisfaction is growing inside, which has already begun to splash out.
7. Distance
You have already severed the emotional connection with your partner and thus gently let him know that it's over. Maybe it’s better to do it right away, and not create suffering and doubt?
8. Demanding proof of love
"If you love me, you ..." It is very tempting to manage a person's life in this way, and if you occasionally hear this phrase, then something went wrong.
The only person who can change his feelings is himself, and some of your actions have nothing to do with it.
Well, if you yourself say so, think about whether you really need this person, will he become loved if he does something? And can you manipulate who you really are?
9. Public humiliation
If your partner humiliated you in society once, it is highly likely that he will do it over and over again. It doesn't matter that he drank a lot that evening or was in a bad mood.
Public humiliation of a partner speaks only of deep self-loathing, and no matter how much love you give to this person, it will not fix the situation without his firm desire to change and work with his self-esteem. And this is difficult not only to fix, but even to admit.
10. Obsession with another person
If your partner is obsessed with another person - it doesn't matter if he is friends with him or hopes for a closer relationship - sooner or later this will lead to a breakup.
Of course, this does not mean that partners should completely immerse themselves in each other and give all their energy to only one person, but obsession with someone else is fraught with suspicion, jealousy and resentment.
Yes, your partner is clearly missing something in your relationship if he is so drawn to another person, but you can hardly give it to him. And you certainly shouldn't cheat on yourself for the sake of another person.
11. Obsession with pornography
There is nothing weird or wrong with partners watching porn together. Some semblance of voyeurism helps to get aroused and find something new to try later in bed with a partner.
But if one of the partners is obsessed with pornography, complete satisfaction will always elude him: in pursuit of the Grail of the multiple, he may end up on the path of sexual perversion.
So, if you are not satisfied with such layouts, think about the root cause of this obsession, and about the possible consequences.
12. Emotional infidelity
Some people believe that monogamy is the only possible option for a relationship, for others it is difficult and almost impossible.
If you have changed for the sake of a variety of sexual experiences, the relationship can still be maintained, but if there is an emotional attachment to the person with whom you had an intimate relationship, it is time to end the relationship.
The first question people ask when they find out about their partner's infidelity is, "Do you love him / her?" Because it is the emotional, not the physical connection that is the core of the relationship, and if it is gone, then you have nothing else to do here.
13. Inability to end the conflict
It starts as an endless struggle without reaching a consensus, which gradually develops into "as you want", when the partners no longer care about the results of their struggle.
There is a rule: never go to bed offended at each other. And there is definitely something in him.
If none of the partners can pacify their pride and desire to always be the winner in an argument, cannot go to a truce without achieving their goal, this relationship has no continuation.
14. Subconscious
If you unknowingly do things that harm your relationship, your psyche tells you what you really need.
You can think whatever you want, but your actions speak of real desires better than all your assurances and hopes.
15. Obsession
If your partner has an obsession with, for example, alcohol or substances, he / she is a shopaholic, gambler, workaholic or sex obsessed, you will always be in second or even fifth place and will not get the emotional connection you would like.
If you don't have an obsession, your partner's addiction can ruin not only his life, but yours as well. Not a very pleasant prospect.
16. Painful attachment to ex
If your partner still maintains more than a close relationship with an ex-girlfriend or husband / wife, this destroys the relationship.
Former partners need to be respected, especially if you have common children, but the first role is still assigned to the current partner. If it doesn't, it’s easy to feel secondary and unnecessary, and this is a direct path to rupture.
17. Threats and emotional blackmail
This is a clear sign. Emotional blackmail is often touted as intense love, but it is actually control. And control, in turn, is an abuse of the senses. You have to run from this as far as you can see.
18. Constant comparison and ratings
Does your partner compare you to someone who looks more attractive, makes more money, is smarter and more interesting than you? This is a form of humiliation. If someone thinks that the grass is greener in someone else's yard, let them go there.
People are unique creatures, although in many ways they are similar. You shouldn't compare yourself, let alone listen to it from your partner.
19. Indifference
Why stay together if you don't care about each other?
20. Loss of attachment
There is nothing wrong with wanting a roommate, but if you want more from a relationship, do not stay with a partner who is not your only one. Don't just stay because you're comfortable.
21. Physical abuse
There are no excuses, no explanations, no circumstances or promises matter. You just have to leave.
In general, conflicts in relationships are a way to get rid of pain, but the reasons for them can vary. It can be a way to open up a boil of dissatisfaction and resentment that has arisen in a relationship, to cleanse the wound, remove the interfering and save the relationship.
But it also happens in another way, when conflicts are a way to break off relations, to inform the other person that they are over, that it is no longer worth tormenting each other.
And it is better to learn to distinguish some conflicts from others, otherwise it will be painful and bad for both partners.
The world is dual: there is a feminine and masculine in it, which exist in direct interaction with each other. Man is a pair creature. In pairs, we go through our earthly experience, create families, give birth to children, jointly achieve our goals, fulfill our mission. Through pair relationships, people learn about themselves and their nature. Most people want to meet their soul mate and live with her in love and harmony. But not everyone succeeds in creating such pairs. Or these couples are created, but exist for a short amount of time, and then disintegrate.
Why is this happening? Why are some people unable to have any relationship, and why do others break all relationships? There are a number of reasons for this.
1. Investment in the future.
When creating a family, people often invest their plans and feelings in the future. Having children, buying a joint apartment or house, creating a joint business, having a joint sex life, love, care, attention, respect.
The first to leave is the one who stops investing, or he has already got what he wanted. For example, a woman gave birth to a child, got what she wanted and then does not see this man next to her. Or she was disappointed and stopped investing her feelings in this person, lost interest in him and is looking for another investment object.
2. Strategies for building relationships.
There are many strategies for building partnerships in a person. Everyone has their own. Among the most famous are: building triangles, avoidance addict, revenge for betrayal in previous relationships, and others. These strategies can be rooted in a variety of traumatic situations. It is important to become aware of yourself and why you do this to other people, what is really happening to you and why you are doing it.
3. Fears.
The countless number of fears in a person prevents him from going into a serious relationship. Fear of being abandoned, betrayed again, fear of experiencing pain again, fear of having a child, fear of failure, etc. Fear is a serious constraint that keeps you from moving forward.
4. Trauma.
Previous psychological trauma is one of the main reasons why it is not possible to create strong and harmonious relationships. Injuries can be very different: violence, threat of death, loss of a partner, betrayal and others. If the trauma is not healed, it haunts the person and reminds him of himself through various situations until he pays attention to it and heals it. And sometimes we come across partners who hurt us in order to draw our attention to this injury. And only after healing her, we will be ready for a healthy relationship.
5. Incomplete previous partnerships.
In order to start a new relationship, you need to completely end the old one. It happens when we were very strongly emotionally attached to a partner, put a lot of our feelings, love, joint plans, in other words, our whole soul into him. And after the relationship ended, part of this soul remained there, next to him. And he still occupies this place next to you. And in order to start a new relationship and let another person into your life, you need to return that part of the soul that you left there with that person.
6. Beliefs.
He does not match me, my man should be tall, handsome and wealthy. So my mother inspired me. In the end, I look for him, and everyone else does not fit. And when he appears, it turns out that this narcissist makes my life unbearable. There are countless beliefs in people's heads that prevent them from building harmonious relationships. Very often these are the beliefs of our parents and the environment in which we live, which have already become ours, but at the same time prevent us from building our own harmonious relationships.
7. Projections.
We see in a person not himself, but someone else in him. We impose our image on him and do not perceive him for who he really is. As a result, when this veil falls, disappointment sets in.
8. Secondary benefits.
Why is it beneficial for you not to have a stable and strong relationship? Or why is it beneficial for you not to have a relationship at all? Ask yourself these questions and you will receive unexpected answers. Often it is the secondary benefits that drive our actions. We are not aware of them, but at the same time we are subject to their influence.
9. Did not agree in character.
What is actually behind the typical “disagreeable” phrase that is used when people disperse? Each of us has certain archetypes that govern our behavior, as well as psychotypes that define certain patterns of our behavior and character traits. From this, our interaction with other people is formed. They are often incompatible with other psychotypes of those people with whom we converge. Understanding yourself and others, as well as the desire to build relationships, helps in developing relationships. When people do not work on themselves and over-building relationships in a pair, then the result of this passive behavior is only one: "they did not agree in character." I am who I am and he is who he is. And together we are not compatible.
10. Destructive personality traits.
There are many qualities in a person that not only do not contribute to relationships, but also kill them. Among them are: selfishness, self-centeredness, narcissism, tyranny, greed, and others. Being around such a person often becomes difficult and sometimes unbearable.
11. Different value systems.
It often happens that people with very different value systems converge, they seem to be from different planets, they are different in themselves, they have different tastes and different interests. What is valuable to one is not valuable to another. However, for some reason they were attracted to each other, and over time they begin to move away from each other due to these differences. In a relationship, it's very important to appreciate what the other is doing for you. And depreciation leads to a breakdown in relations.
12. The growth of one is ahead of the growth of the other.
When one begins to develop spiritually, and the other does not, when one has an uphill career, and the second froze in place, when one grows as a person, and the other does not develop. This may be the reason that these people can no longer stay together. They move away from each other and eventually diverge.
13. Models of relations between their parents.
Very often we consciously or unconsciously create a model of our family in the image and likeness of the model of relationships between our parents. And it's good if our parents have lived together all their lives in love and harmony, but if they constantly quarreled, did not respect each other and eventually dispersed, then we often build the same models.
14. Generic scripts.
In our genes, information is encoded about all the events that took place in our family through the mother and father. And sometimes we do not live our own life, but someone's unhappy fate of one of our ancestors. In this case, we are talking about family weaving. And in order to start living your own life, and not the life of members of our clan, you need to share your destinies. Systemic family constellations help in this.
15. Violation of the give-take balance.
The give-take balance is one of the fundamental laws that operates in relationships and in family systems. For a relationship to be strong, it needs to be in balance. Unfortunately, in pairs, these balances are very often violated. It happens when one person gives attention, care, love to another, tries, puts his whole soul into him, but does not receive anything in return. At the same time, his partner is focused only on himself, on his own pleasures and does not give in the relationship as much as his half. This imbalance cannot last long and relationships can collapse over time if it is not leveled.
16. Fate.
Fate contracts are one of the common reasons people pair up. But unfortunately, as soon as they work, they diverge.
17. Extraneous influence.
Damage, love spell, lapel and other magical effects. How many people have now appeared who are engaged in these dirty things that irrevocably destroy relationships. Alas, unfortunately, this is reality.
As a result of all these reasons, the partners lose feelings, attraction, love for each other. There is no longer that emotional connection between them that connected them before, and people go into new relationships in order to get new emotions and new experiences.
What can help?
1. Work on yourself.
“I am what I am and I am not going to change myself” - this is a direct path to destruction. You need to work on yourself, learn from relationships and from what destroyed them.
2. Work on paired relationships.
Relationships need to be built. However, both people must build them. There is safety in numbers. And only when both partners build and overcome joint difficulties, only then these relations turn out to be harmonious.
3. Prayers, appeal to higher powers.
Man does not live alone in this world. There is an invisible world that helps him when he turns to him. I know of cases when people begged for a meeting with a soul mate. And having received it, over time, they destroyed this relationship, for the reasons described above. Therefore, turn to the Higher Forces, but know why. They help. But when you refuse such gifts of Destiny, then Destiny then turns away from you. So be careful with your prayers if you are not ready to build a serious relationship yourself.
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Are you hoping that the new guy is definitely serious, but the relationship ends as soon as you get used to him? Are you tired of going on dates and want to spend your evenings watching your favorite TV show together? Are you worried that you are unlikely to get married, because long-term relationships with no one work out? Then this article will help you!
So why don't you have serious relationships with men?
1. You choose the wrong guys
You step on your favorite rake over and over again, choosing guys who don't want to be with you or don't want a serious relationship. You are in vain hopes to fall in love with someone who only needs rare (or frequent) meetings in bed. You put in a lot of effort to remake a man who doesn't want to burden himself with unnecessary obligations. And then, when you realize that you are at a dead end, you again take the starting position - and go the beaten path: to a new guy who is also not eager to get into your nets.
How to solve a problem? First, do not let yourself be deceived: if a guy says that he wants a serious relationship with you, but all his actions indicate the opposite, then he is simply lying to you. And secondly, do not be deceived yourself: when you want to build a family with a man who openly admits that you should not expect all this, just humble yourself and do not try to prove to him that he wants the opposite.
2. You are too critical of your boyfriends
You so vividly dreamed the image of your one and only that you can hardly restrain yourself when you discover a flaw in the new guy. Then another one is added to it, then another and another, and you understand that your current boyfriend is not at all the one with whom you are destined to live happily ever after ... And really, how can you be with someone who does not remove crumbs from the table, biting nails or lacking a sense of style? Over time, you become more and more picky, and even a small minus is perceived by you as a terrifying disaster that ruins your joint future.
How to solve a problem? Remember that you are also imperfect and your chosen one has to put up with both your eccentricities and not so cute habits and character traits. So is it worth being so picky? In addition, Mister Perfection, which you invented for yourself and are now diligently looking for a man in every passer-by, probably does not exist.
3. You are always proactive
You don't wait for him to ask you out, buy flowers, or give him a compliment. You are in a hurry to call him and tell him where you are going tomorrow, point your finger at the bouquet you like and ask for kind words about your hairstyle and dress. You are so incapable of restraining yourself in a proactive game that you are the first to start talking about feelings, weave plans for a joint future into conversations, and are also ready to invite him to move in or even formalize a relationship - what if he takes too long with all this and you have to wait from his first steps for ages?
How to solve a problem? This approach scares men: they like to act as a hunter themselves, and not feel like a hunted game. Therefore, with this approach, you will only be able to build a long-term relationship with an extremely modest and spineless mama's son. But you don't need one, do you? Then endure the desire to decide everything in your pair - let the man take the initiative.
4. You are afraid to be lonely ...
So much so that you please him in everything. You change your daily routine and habits to please him, you do whatever he wants, as if he is a real sheikh and the last man in the world, who - oh miracle, oh happiness! - can make you happy with living together and spending time (and in the future, maybe even marriage!). You don't ask him to wash the dishes, clean up the scattered things, and you don't even stutter that he is doing something wrong, because your claims may upset him. You do not say that he offends you in any way, put all proposals up for discussion carefully, fearing to anger your one and only, fearing that after you inadvertently said a word, he may go in search of a more accommodating and prudent female.
How to solve a problem? It's simple - you need to become a girl you want to conquer, you want to protect. And for this you have to love yourself again and understand that if a man does not want to perceive you as you are, then you are not interested in him. And no obsequiousness will become the seed that engenders reciprocal feelings towards you in it. She can only tire.
5. You are not ready for them
Or maybe you just yourself are not ready for a serious relationship? Have you been offended by some man whom you cannot forget and in spite of whom you are trying to be different by hook or by crook? Or are you satisfied with the non-binding format of the relationship, but the opinion of your relatives and friends that “it’s time to start a family” forces you to search for someone else in the crowd “I don’t know who”?
How to solve a problem? Listen to yourself - and stop listening to strangers. And if you understand that you don't really need a serious relationship now, do not deny yourself the pleasure of being alone - then every day will become much more joyful. And your man will certainly be found - without procuring relatives and friends and any tricks on your part. Just because one day you have to meet each other.
