My husband doesn't want me to have a lover. My husband does not want me: reasons and how to improve the intimate side of life. Why a husband does not want a wife: the main reasons
Much has been said about how women develop headaches and frigidity. But why does a man - an alpha male, always craving sex - not want intimacy, but when he lies down in bed, turns his back on his wife and, without the slightest hint of intimacy, begins to sniff sweetly?
The woman worries: “Husband does not want sex… Has he stopped loving me? Got yourself another one, younger? Am I no longer attracted or aroused by him? Did he notice that I got better? Is our marriage in jeopardy?
Let's figure out how such fears correspond to the real picture, and how to correct the situation by warming up the family bed?
Why does a man not want sex?
If a man refuses sex, this does not mean that he recently met his classmate, whom he loved in his youth. That forgotten love flared up in him, and now he falls asleep and wakes up with the thought of another woman ...
Also, this does not mean that your translucent lingerie thighs and red lips have ceased to cause admiration in his eyes and an erection in his pants.
The lack of sexual initiative on his part also does not mean that you need to suffer from nervous insomnia, go to file for divorce in the morning, pack your things and leave with the children to their mother.
The reasons may not be as dramatic or complex as you think.
He has another woman
Usually, this is the first version that comes to the mind of girls. As soon as such a “brilliant” thought flashes through my head, it seems that all the cards matched: he sits on the phone too often and smiles for no reason, he never opens notifications in front of you, he is late at work for the last week, he walks strange ...
But how often do such paranoid thoughts justify themselves?
stress and fatigue
Workaholism interferes with proper rest, sleep, communication with friends, and even more so - sex. Men are no exception. There are periods when you need to work for days, solve business issues, go to meetings and promote business. Relationships, sex, family temporarily recede into the background.
What new panties are there if you can go bankrupt? What striptease bar, when you need to provide loved ones? What shibari show if tomorrow is a meeting with a foreign business partner?
Health problems
Many men do not like to visit doctors, delay visits to the hospital until the last moment, silently and with a straight face endure pain and discomfort. Especially if the problems relate to male dignity.
While you are thinking, “My boyfriend is cool with me,” he may have difficulty with erection and potency, which will cause sexual lethargy. Especially if the spouse is not 25 years old. With age, the libido of the stronger sex decreases, they worry about this (although they do not give themselves away), they are afraid of failure in bed or ridicule from a partner.
The burden of responsibility
In society, a man is perceived as a restless alpha male with unlimited sexual possibilities and resources. It's time to admit - this is not so for a long time. Initiative in bed, erotic hints, active actions in sex - this is not only a man's duty.
A woman should not play the role of a log that waits for a male orgasm, sighing dejectedly during intercourse.
The longer the relationship lasts, the harder it is for a man to carry the burden of responsibility for intimacy. As if his woman does not take part in the decisions: what position, how active, for how long, whose orgasm is in priority, but simply waits: "Take me."
And if a man does not show up, but gives the initiative into the hands of a partner, her usual pattern breaks down and she makes an offensive, painful and cruel verdict: “The guy doesn’t want me.”
Relationship Difficulties
Having regular sex sometimes leads to the delusion that the relationship is okay too. But if you make love only after a quarrel, broken plates and screams for the whole apartment, such a passion will not last long.
Silence claims, discontent, desires make people more constrained - not only in bed, but also outside it.
If you have a relationship crisis, misunderstandings, rudeness and mutual accusations - you should not count on cool sex scenes, vivid orgasms and sex until dawn.
Reefs of life
If you only write messages to your husband a la: “Buy cheese and cucumbers”, go at home in an old terry dressing gown that hides all forms, with unshaven legs, a dull bun on your head and absolutely turn off the “lady” next to your partner, he will become bored .
Where is that sexy girl with whom he fell in love and was turned on by just looking at her long legs / hair / eyelashes? Maybe you yourself buried sex, intimacy and romance by being too lazy to show up in an erotic way, but you think that if once he had an erection on your ass, now this will happen all his life? ..
He doesn't want me: what to do?
Go to the doctor
If a man refuses sex too often, but still loves you, talk to him gently about his health. Ask him what is bothering him. Do not press, do not frighten with prostatitis, old age and potency.
You can say that you yourself thought to be checked "just in case", and offer to do it "for the company." Remember - some men need time and mental effort to decide to go to the doctor.
In any case, let your spouse know that you are ready to discuss any topic, even the most intimate, without judgment or ridicule.
And it doesn't matter if he goes to a urologist or a psychotherapist - be there.
Go on vacation
If your man is exhausted by work, you notice that he walks like a squeezed lemon after business meetings and events - it's time to take the initiative into your own hands. Offer your spouse a little rest away from the career ladders and the secrets of success. It is not necessary to take a full-fledged vacation, spend all your savings on air tickets, and then, upon returning, find yourself in a material abyss.
Go out of town for the weekend, arrange a BBQ party for friends in the country, go to a dance master class together.
You won’t be able to relax in ten minutes of eating borscht for lunch - understand.
Choose the option that is best in terms of finances and time to get a little distracted from the everyday fuss and worries: an unsigned contract, an unfinished dialogue and a burnt out light bulb not screwed in the corridor will wait.
Discuss Relationships
Talk to your partner instead of googling "why doesn't my husband want a wife?". There can be a huge number of reasons, and they are more personal and sophisticated than illness and fatigue at work.
Feeling uncomfortable in a relationship? Talk. Are you worried that your spouse has cooled down? Share your concerns with him.
Even if you are worried that he has another woman, a mistress or three mistresses, you can ask directly: “Do you have someone besides me?” But keep in mind, when asking such a question, you must be prepared to hear the most unexpected and, perhaps, painful answer.
Turn on the passionate kitty
You are not a mother to your spouse, stop asking if he put on clean underpants, brushed his teeth before going to bed, and what food he will take with him to work tomorrow. You are the woman he once fell in love with, who excited, inspired and inspired.
Cultivate in yourself these, perhaps forgotten, states. Flirt with your husband in public places, hint at sex in SMS: “Buy cucumbers that are as hard as your penis ...”, dress more frankly, at least at home.
Sometimes it’s better to take off your cozy warm socks, move away from the heated stove, turn off your favorite TV series and turn off the lights. Instead, put on erotic lingerie, turn on muted romantic music and light a few candles.
Don't expect a man to always see you as a sexy goddess of love and orgasms, just be one!
Talk about intimate topics
Maybe it used to turn you on to have sex in the missionary position with the lights off, but now the monotonous movement is boring. It's not weird. Predilections change, sensitivity from monotony and monotony falls.
Try discussing your sexual preferences with your partner. What fetishes turn you on? Men with glasses, light stubble, and the top button undone? Gently hint to your spouse in what role you would like to see him.
And ask what turns him on? When he gently turns his head at the passing girls - do not rush to give a slap in the face and arrange a tantrum for the entire avenue. See if these women have something in common? Long hair? Red dress? Straw hat? Accentuated waist?
Study your partner - it will help you in bed!
Organize offline days
Agree with your husband to turn off notifications from time to time, hide phones in another room and stay alone. Let none of you be pulled by colleagues at work, business partners, educators from kindergarten or Instagram friends.
Allow yourself to be alone. Eat dinner at a seaside restaurant, camp in the mountains for the weekend, tour your city's parks, skydive, take the kids to their parents/nanny, and enjoy the company of your partner!
Maybe you didn't get excited because you didn't notice each other? Did you look around, at the phone, beyond the horizon, at the road, at the check in the store - but not into the eyes of a loved one?
Offline mode will help you correct this omission and build intimacy.
Can our sex be saved?
In most cases, yes. Just remember: sex, orgasms, erotic innuendos and satisfaction are the responsibility of both partners. If a man does not want you, this is a common problem in a couple. Get ready to take the first steps in reconciliation, develop your sexuality and be active in bed.
It is important for a woman to be loved and desired. Therefore, the cooling of passion on the part of a man is perceived as a disaster. Why doesn't my husband want me? What can be done?" - these questions do not give rest. The wife is offended, closes and the relationship between the spouses becomes tense. In order for the matter not to turn into a desire to get a divorce, you need to take active steps. First of all - to understand the possible causes.
Why a husband does not want a wife: the main reasons
There is no single algorithm by which it would be realistic to calculate the cause in each specific case - people differ in susceptibility, habits, character, hormonal background and other factors. Therefore, it must be taken into account that the reasons given below cannot apply to all husbands. Most often, the cooling of sexual ardor leads to:
Fatigue. This includes both physical fatigue, when a man is able to think of the bed only as a place of rest, and emotional fatigue, when he is overcome by restless thoughts.
Health problems. If lethargy does not go away for weeks, sleep has become restless and there are problems with appetite, then there is probably a failure in the body. Even if these are problems with the joints or the stomach, everything can cause apathy. It is enough to remember yourself - do you really want to make love when something hurts? In addition, there may well be problems with directly male health.
Relationship problems. The representatives of the stronger sex also have feelings and emotions. Not all women take this into account. Harsh words, resentment, accumulated unresolved conflicts alienate people from each other in every sense. Firstly, the spouse himself will not be sure that intimacy is appropriate in this situation. Secondly, it may be difficult for him to forgive something and step over it for the sake of love pleasures.
Beloved appearance. “Appearance is not the main thing”, “he loves me for the soul” - these opinions also have the right to life. But men love with their eyes, so in order to arouse desire, you need to get rid of the stretched robe, and be at least neat. And even better - take care of beautiful underwear and a figure.
Unhealthy attitudes towards sex in the family. “I to you - you to me” is a common relationship formula in some families. And fundamentally wrong. Some ladies take advantage of the physical needs of guys, extorting some things or behavior from them. “If you don’t buy it, I won’t give it”, “I won’t give it until you do as I want” - because of such blackmail, men begin to perceive sex as something inevitably associated with trouble. And there is absolutely no desire to have trouble.
Hobbies. It may seem strange to some, but among the representatives of the stronger sex there are persons for whom even sex can replace hobbies. Usually this is something that causes strong emotions: a parachute or bungee jump, a bike ride down a mountain, or even a hot fight in computer game. A surge of adrenaline causes the release of endorphins - hormones of pleasure.
Addiction to pornography. Porn materials filled the Internet. Many do not see anything bad in it and in vain. Researchers from the National Organization for Family Research have concluded that pornography induces cravings for perversion and can deprive a person of the ability to enjoy the usual intimate relationship in the family. The same opinion is shared by specialists in the field of behavioral sciences.
Treason. The first reason that comes to mind women. And she, too, cannot be written off: when a man cheats or is simply in love with another, his life partner does not cause strong emotions in him. But in this case, in addition to a decrease in sexual activity, there are other “signs”: secrets, delays at work and on business, sometimes a disconnected phone, and so on.
Pregnancy and childbirth. This situation is worth discussing separately. Sometimes husbands refuse to have intimacy with a pregnant wife for fear of harming her or the child. And often with the birth of a child, these fears do not go away. On forums for pregnant women and young mothers, you can often find questions like: "My husband does not want to sleep with me, the child is already six months old." This is because the baby's father perceives his beloved no longer as a wife, but as, first of all, a mother. Sometimes women themselves move away from life partners, spending absolutely all their time with the child: the spouses eat at different times, the mother goes to bed with the child early in the evening, and the young father remains bored.
What to do first
Do not panic and do not hysteria, do not say that he is all lying about fatigue. To find out why my husband does not want me, you need calmness and patience. No need to start with scandals and accusations - this will only aggravate the situation. Instead of peremptory accusations, it is better to use speech turns that speak of experiences: “it seems to me ...”, “I feel like ...” And end the thought with a question: “What do you think about this?”.
When it comes to fatigue, the recipe is simple - let the person rest or wait until the stressful week passes. If fatigue does not go away, then offer to drink vitamins or go to the doctor.
Probably, you will need to reconsider your behavior in the family. Often people allow themselves to speak less respectfully to family members than to strangers, arguing that they "should understand." No. Our loved ones deserve courtesy and the most kind words. And if wrong behavior was allowed, you should apologize - love is more expensive than hurt pride.
You will need to step over laziness, fatigue and conceit and still take care of yourself: figure, skin, hair and clothes. What can be a question of desire, if a woman smells unpleasant, and she is dressed in a greasy robe - it’s not even easy to hug such a woman.
Hobbies are a big part of a man's life. Perfect option- to share with her husband his joys and to be near at this moment - so that euphoria is associated not only with some business, but also with his wife. It will not be superfluous to try to diversify sexual life- not only at home, on the couch, in the usual position, but also in nature in a tent or somewhere else.
Overcoming addiction to pornography is usually much more difficult. You may need the help of a psychologist who will explain how harmful such a habit is and help him overcome it. Psychological help may also be required to get rid of the fear of a pregnant wife.
In the case of cheating, you need to try to find out what is really happening. Someone will decide to fight for the family, someone will get a divorce. But it is unlikely that it will be possible to arouse desire by force in order to surpass the opponent.
If you focus on the thoughts “my husband doesn’t want me anymore”, then it’s easy to wallow in resentment and move away even more. There are a few general concepts, which will help to establish the intimate side of life:
It is important to remember that thoughts should be directed to what can be done if the husband does not want me, and not to his shortcomings.
The psychology of men is different from that of women, so it is not easy to understand and even more so somehow influence it. Therefore, the help of a specialist will be very useful. Doctors often recommend focusing on loving each other first and showing love by listening carefully, not rushing to be offended, and negotiating disagreements.
Keeping this in mind, you can return to family life the joy and pleasure of love.
Alla, Moscow
We live with my husband for almost six years, we sleep in different rooms, sex happens once a month, and even less often. Most often, I am the initiator of this. When I try to approach him, he refuses me, referring to the fact that he has to get up early, or he has a headache, or he is very tired. And after such refusals, I'm nervous, he calls me preoccupied!
I'm so tired of enduring, the lack of sex leads to constant quarrels, this situation annoys me. And the rest is also not all good. When I come home from work, he closes his room, I go to my room. I feel so offended that the years go by, but there is no communication at all! I started thinking about my lover. Already began to look at other men. I myself am not fat, not ugly, I take care of myself.
Katerina, Ukraine, 30 years / 09.05.18
Opinions of our experts
Alyona
From the letter I did not catch whether you have children. It gives the impression that it doesn't. However, even in the presence of these, I can advise only one thing: change your husband. You do not love each other, your husband does not want you, does not feel desire at the sight of you, does not reach out to communicate with you. Why is such a marriage necessary? And why, for the sake of its formal preservation, look for solutions to the problem on the side?
Why take a lover if it's fashionable to have a new husband? What connects you with the person who lives with you in the same communal apartment? Why ruin your reputation? Just get divorced and get whoever you want, but without cheating.
Take it for granted that your relationship has exhausted itself, and for a long time. And move on. By the way, I do not always advise to break off relations. But in your case it's the only way. Weigh the pros and cons of your long marriage. Assess the prospects for the future. Honestly imagine what will happen in 10 years with your couple. And you will understand that your problem is deeper than the lack of sex. Even an impotent woman can please a woman if she is important to him. You are 30 years old. What are you waiting for and why?
Sergey
Katerina, we are all people, all different, and everyone has their own attitude and views on everything in the world. Your desires, strengths, capabilities, character. Moreover, for the most part due not so much to education, promiscuity, or vice versa, complexion, but to personal, purely physical characteristics. Accordingly, everyone has their own sexual appetite. It is only in porn movies that people are ready at any age to copulate for hours, several times a day. IN real life, in the vast majority of cases, everything is completely wrong. Physiology, you know, and directing are opposite things. This is especially true in families where partners have already lived with each other for more than one year.
Alas, according to general observations, daily sex in a permanent couple is present for a very short time. Somewhere from a week to a year on average, depending on age, health status, external conditions. Then "bed meetings", along with passion, inevitably begin to subside. And six years later, when the time of the crisis comes family life, everything can stop altogether. So you are still lucky if there is at least a monthly regularity.
No, this does not mean that the husband has become impotent, or the wife is frigid. And desires with feelings have not gone away. And lovers, quite possibly not. Well, at least for now. Just during a life together, and life in general, people change. And as a result of these changes, both purely physiological and psychological, a huge number of contradictions often accumulate between partners, which they often cannot resolve themselves, because they do not know how. As a result, instead of talking, trying to understand and accept each other, learning to compromise, people accumulate tension, which eventually breaks through, and the couple falls apart.
