Vulgar revelations. Women's revelations: Things that all women carefully hide from men. How to be with a spouse

Natasha: Hello Olga! I often re-read letters to the trust service and your advice to people who find themselves in a difficult situation. Judging by the reviews, it helps a lot. But isn't there too much maximalism in your judgments? Don't you think that in life there is not only white and not only black. Or, for example, advice: be strong, be stronger than yourself. Do not give in to temptations, do not spare your weaknesses. I really want to ask: HOW??! Well, in order not to ask abstractly, I will write about how it turned out for me and ask for your advice. It so happened that there are two men in my life. One of them is a husband, the second, respectively, is not. And each in its own way is very dear to me. Why it happened so is long and difficult to explain. This situation does not indicate that I am dissolute, frivolous, that my moral principles are completely bad: after all, nowhere else, never with anyone, have I allowed myself to flirt, kiss, or intimate dance even in my youth, being completely free from any obligations. In fact, the second one compensates for what cannot be built in marriage, since people are different and not everything is given to everyone. No matter how hard you try, there are things that a person cannot change because of who he is. I didn’t plan anything and didn’t look for anyone to get something missing in the family, I just from time to time talked with a person who gradually became close and necessary, and then - a look, a touch of a hand ... At that moment I resisted, but I realized that my loyalty was doomed to fail if he tried again. And he tried. At first I idolized him and despised myself, I tried my best to be strong - but another opportunity turned up, and I was ready for anything to be with him for a little while. Two years have passed, and the euphoria has passed, and I am no longer such a blind and stupid girl, and he did not mislead me, but calmly and methodically broke one of my illusions after another. He is free, and does not want to bind himself to anyone, today one, tomorrow another, one must live for one's own pleasure. This does not make him a bastard, because he does not try to deceive me or others, he comes to the rescue in difficult times, is ready to help, support, listen. He is smart, charming, witty, he knows how and loves to work. He just doesn't love me. Even though he calls. My husband is a very good person, I appreciate him, love him, respect him and do not want to offend him in any way. I would like to just keep the second one as a friend - but he is not interested, with me he just "rests well" in his time, as with one of many. I would like to be strong and be able to get him out of my head and out of my heart, I would like to change my body to kill his memory - BUT HOW??! I see him a little less than once a month, but when I did not see him for six months, I became not myself, I went around depressed, lashed out at my family and hated myself for it. I tossed about at night, I cried quietly, locking myself in the bathroom, I was a bad wife and an inattentive mother. Until I met him again. Something bright in him makes me lose control every time, there is so much warmth in our proximity, his eyes completely change. Only with him I can spend the whole night embracing, the smell of his body is as pleasant to me as my own; when he gets out of his shell, he becomes somehow tired and vulnerable, you just want to cuddle up to him and be silent, forgetting about time. Alas, all this can be obtained only for a short time in bed. And so - I do not seem to need him. That's actually all of me. A traitor, a traitor, a fool, moreover. I cannot decently leave my husband and quietly suffer in a corner, being free. I treasure him. Very. I don't want to hurt him. I cannot betray our son, although, in fact, I already betray him. There are a lot of good things in our family, and I don't want to just take everything and destroy it, although - according to your judgment - I destroy everything anyway. The fact that I'm just afraid of losing the established comfort is not true. I'm not afraid to be alone, I just don't want to hurt others. Here I lie. I'm tearing myself apart, carefully hiding my double life, hoping that something will happen and change everything. BUT WHAT??! HOW??! What to do, how to do it right?! How to forget, stop loving a person whom you are not able to forget?! Or is honesty above all, since it is not forgotten?! I don’t care about the family, the feelings of loved ones, in order to be honest with myself, just clear my conscience - so, they say, I’m all so white and fluffy, since another one has appeared, I’ll honestly die on it and at the same time I’ll break all the good that is in the family ?! And not stupid, not cruel, isn't such maximalism even more senseless than my betrayal?! As for me, I pay enough for my sins with my tossing and pangs of conscience. But that's what I think. What do you say?Olga-WWWoman: Hello Natasha! I don’t argue, I can be categorical, just like you are in love, and I can be no less cruel in words than you are in actions. In this, we are those who are, what we are, what nature, heredity, upbringing and much more have created us to be. That is, we want to be ourselves. Sincere and spontaneous. This I understand and accept in you, I think you will understand and accept in me. Then, I wrote to a specific person, not to you, this is a mistake - the words said to someone should be taken personally. But if we recognize ourselves in someone or in some situation, this does not mean that all the words spoken about that situation are addressed to us. There are so many colors and nuances in each person that it is better to speak individually about each. Do you agree? So it would be most reasonable for you and me to talk specifically about my impressions of what you said. I read your letter not without emotion. We are so similar ... Feelings of a loved one, all your words - I could say them myself. I know what you write about. The only difference is - I was lucky or I wanted it so much - I never split in two. And it was easier for me, more comfortable mentally. But financially it is very difficult - I often lost everything, dropping my tail like a lizard, leaving everything and burning it behind me. Perhaps you are less selfish than I am. But my logic was simple: if I fell out of love, if he is no longer worthy of my love, then my child does not need an unworthy dad. In some ways, I was right - I met a man who became both a husband for me and a truly loved one, from whom I never wanted to run to anyone and look for an outlet. In this case, it is easy to resist all temptations and temptations, without much effort. Your situation is similar to "and your love will lay like a tombstone on life" - it has everything and there is no main thing - you are not together and he does not love you. He has a masculine thing for you - nothing more. I sincerely would like to help. But what? Only by listening, understanding and experiencing the brightness of your love and the depth of dissatisfaction with your life. What was, was. You were able to do just that, and not otherwise. You allowed yourself to do this - it hurt, accumulated, broke through. Apparently, you got married early and did not quite imagine what exactly you expect from marriage. Understand, I'm not judging anyone, I'm just trying to explain that everything returns like a boomerang. We ourselves choose, then we ourselves receive in full - for each of our choices. I'm not here to read morality, I'm here to listen, support and tell my purely objective opinion to those who ask for it. You can be supported, but only by the fact that you act wisely, saving your family and laying your immortal soul on the altar of its well-being. Leaving is easier. Telling the truth and living honestly is difficult, but easy. Keeping balance in the family at your cost is easier today, but if measured in eternity, it is morally fraught for you. Leave this secret in your soul. This is your treasure and your cross. Raise your child, take care of your husband. May everything be fine with you. I think it's time for you to end the first connection with your fatal man. It's time. First. Yes, exactly the first. This is the only way I see out of this situation. I wish you to find the strength in yourself to break this connection, which no longer brings you the former pure joy. And then you can say to yourself: I could have had a lover, but I did not want to. And insanity and passion can happen to anyone. Be sure to be happy. Life is long and there has always been plenty of room for love and hope.
Natasha: Hello Olga. When I sent my letter, I expected rather sarcasm, but they took pity on me. And I couldn't take it. She burst into tears. My little son came up, stroked his head, kissed him on the forehead, and said: "Everything will be fine." He is four. So I want to be right, honest, strong. To have the strength to do what is right, especially if you have known how for a long time. But these forces are not. If I could run far, far away with the two of them, with my son and his very good dad (whom I love no less, but more like a brother or friend), calm down inside, not seeing, not hearing, not interfering with that, with another . Alas. Conditions, conditions. I just have nowhere to go. And staying close, I can't be strong. My feeling is like a cancer, and meeting with it is like a dose of opium, which can temporarily muffle the pain, live the day - standing and smiling, and not lying in bed, not feeling the taste of life and the desire to move on. I know that I should leave, say goodbye. I tried to do this more than once: disappear quietly and unnoticed or leave, slamming the door loudly, defiantly saying goodbye. Even funny. And every time he brought me back, imperceptibly for me. The further I moved away, the more attentively he became, the more often he began to take an interest in affairs, the warmer his words were, the easier and more pleasant our communication became. The time we spent together after that... I wish I could stop it and freeze in it forever. Not to know and not to remember anything else - just enjoy. I cannot believe that the harmony experienced in those moments was a banal deception - because it is impossible not to see the falsehood, approaching so close. And it was all the more painful - then to feel cold and indifferent, to hear "I don't care," "do as you like, I won't hold you." Every time - realizing that something is wrong here, that two edges of one puzzle do not converge, I started trying to get to the truth and fell into the same trap. But it's not that. It doesn’t matter if I really am so indifferent to him, or if there is something there, since I feel so good and comfortable with him. Not in bed. Just nearby. All this is not important. The important thing is to leave. Not in order to be proud of yourself later and say “I could, but I didn’t want to,” but because it’s right. That's just to get some strength somewhere. What a pity, you must admit that there is no medicine for this in the pharmacy. And it remains only to hope, once again closing the door (which I recently tried to do again), that he will not have a desire to knock on it. Hope and pray. Thanks for your reply.Olga-WWWoman: Hello Natasha! Just his behavior is easy to explain: you are already his woman and he is used to feeling your admiration, passion, devotion. He will not let you go for a very, very long time. As soon as you start to move away - he is chasing - where to? You are mine! But to take some responsibility - dismiss. Only - joy, and no obligations to you. It's easy to get rid of if you want: tell him not to impose, that you hope that he has pride and that he will not run after a woman who DOES NOT WANT to continue. He returns you because you yourself are waiting for this and want it. You have become emotionally dependent on him. Nothing worse can be imagined for a married woman with a child. Natasha! You are torn. But soon something will outweigh - somewhere, something will accumulate and you will calm down. You will just grow up. And much you will understand and see nakedly and clearly. Be prepared for the fact that he can avenge the final break (he will tell her husband). Then you will understand that there is nothing secret, and we must always remember this, even when passion deprives us of reason. You are going through a tough lesson. I can only wish that the weakness shown once grew into strength to stop all this as soon as possible and forget it like a sweet dream - at least for my own sake, because your suffering is not worth, for sure, this person.
Natasha: Hello Olga. Again. I seem to be impudent, distracting you from yours, and loading you with mine again. :-) I hope that you do not mind, and that it is not very vile - from the height of your experience and strength to contemplate how a stranger defiantly rushes about with his weakness. There is a lot, really a lot of truth in your words - and, however, in the depths of my soul I myself know it well, the truth. It’s just that sometimes there comes a moment when it’s too difficult to keep the problem inside, and sharing it with someone you know is at least fraught. I got married not so early, at 22, and when I chose, I clearly imagined what exactly I was taking, and happily agreed to it. It has always been like this: a man who can interest me must be a difficult, not completely understandable, strong - and one asks to say - rival. So that he could easily parry my any attack, so that, with just a glance, he could see the whole situation, so that I - proud, independent, emotional, free and wild - could be tamed and built in two lines on the windowsill. Any man wins and conquers his woman, bridling her like a horse, but only SUCH could I submit with joy. The problem is that a man with such a set of qualities rarely turns out to be also gentle, sensitive, attentive - because in his eyes to be like that is to be weak. And he does not allow himself to be weak. And the woman too. I tried to build relationships with such men before marriage, but with all my independence and pride, being a very vulnerable person, acutely and painfully perceiving the outside world, I never built anything, exhausting and wearing out my soul. I'm just tired of the constant struggle, instability, lack of confidence in the future. And she met her future husband. He wasn't like that at all. There is no one like him. With him, I got something that I never had - peace, comfort, inner comfort, I could relax with him, there was no euphoria with him, but it was easy. There was mutual concern: I am like a mother to him, and he is like a mother to me. In addition, we felt good together: I was with him, as with a man, and he with me, as with a woman, I did not have breathtaking passion, but nevertheless everything was very exciting and romantic. Five years of marriage and a child have changed a lot, of course, but one thing remains unchanged - he is my calmness, my even breathing. Second. We disliked each other at first sight, but we had to come to terms with the need to somehow coexist, because we loved the same person - I am like a wife, and he is like. .. Friend. And as a friend, he has always been on top. Our attitude towards each other gradually transformed into a more respectful one. Common pastime (for three), joint solution of problems (ours, family ones) and overcoming difficulties ... There were topics for conversations and the conversations themselves - and I found out: he is SUCH, to which I was always attracted. But before anything happened between us, almost a year passed, and I wore my discovery inside without showing it. On the day that my split began, my husband left me at home alone, with my leg in a cast on my ass, me and the cat in the care of a friend ... And that one ... We watched TV, listened to music ... then dance (in a cast) ... he kissed me. We woke up in the morning in the same bed, where we just slept, because as I said "no", only he did not let me go all night. Seeing his eyes in the morning was an agony - and as happy as seeing the face of your newborn son. And then he said that this accident would never happen again, and it was terribly embarrassing to see him again and again, it hurt that it was not mutual, it was difficult to try to forget, knowing that it was necessary. At first I forgot it for three months. Then - exactly the same night, but without plaster. Then I forgot it again, but longer, until everything became as it is, when I was already completely tired of resisting what I really wanted. And then - two years of throwing, fighting with yourself, because you understand with your mind that it’s so bad and wrong, but you can’t order your heart, because only with such a person can you be truly happy. Because he knows you better than you yourself, and guesses the slightest movement of the soul, because everything is clear from a half-word, because you feel him at a distance and he doesn’t need to explain himself for a long time and in detail, how little child (namely, this is how I have to behave with my husband), he will understand everything himself. If he wants. But will he want to? It's strange, but since I came to terms with the fact that I need him more than a clear conscience, relations in our family, which were in crisis that began even before my "romance", have become warmer and much better. Because instead of every minute struggle with the desire to see - before, and instead of self-flagellation - after that, I began to try to live as it is, just live today. And now I don’t know what worries me more - my unrighteous way of life or the lack of reciprocity. Sometimes it seems to me that all I need is for him to stop pushing me away after the next meeting, to show indifference. It seems to me that he does all this on purpose, as if he is afraid that I will come too close and see him the way he hides himself from everyone, he is afraid that I can demand something, tie (or try) something or oblige , does because some time ago I saw him and felt him real. And on the other hand, there is a husband, and a conscience, and a fear that everything can open up, and then it will hurt him - and I will be to blame for this. And for me, offending him is the same as offending a child or biting the hand that feeds and strokes the head when it's hard. This is how it comes out. With one I am calm, with the other I am happy. Today there is neither one nor the other. One - because the work, the second - because I decided so. I can't sleep again, that's why the computer, and all this writing, and ICQ - there he is. Works. I am silent and he is silent. In fact, to finish everything, it’s enough not to say hello, and if, nevertheless, he speaks first again, just answer “no” to the phrase “if you want ...”. Because the words about the persecution of a woman who does not want to be persecuted are too theatrical and have little to do with reality. He does not pursue me, but I, you are right, actually wait and want to continue. And he knows it. Because he knows me. But he will respectfully accept "no", only, perhaps, he can ask more than once to make sure that I really will not come like that again - no questions, no obligations, no restrictions. And he won't take revenge either. He is not so petty, and it is not profitable for him - he also has something to lose. And will I stand it? If it were possible for my husband to never leave me for a long time, if work was not important for a man no less than a woman - perhaps then I would still find strength, give up part of myself and just live with him. Does not work. Work, absence, emptiness inside me. When he leaves, it turns out that I don’t live at all - neither for him, nor for my “I”, for my “I want”. Because my "I want" is the second one. If it were possible to make me free again, so that my husband would not just meet, my son would not be born - but only he would be. But time does not turn back. And I do not agree to buy freedom at the cost of the two most dear to me people. I will not be able to live on, knowing that I hurt them and they live somewhere without me. So you have to rely on the fact that he himself will stop everything, that if he doesn’t need me at all, then it’s time to change me for someone else (the novelty of sensations is gone, why return and return?), although in reality , if to be honest with myself, then wanting this for me is simply unnatural. I don’t see the opportunity to become stronger than I am, I try again, but instead of living, I go from corner to corner, rushing about like a caged animal, I can neither work nor play with the baby. All my strength is only enough to hide behind a mask, to find explanations for my depressed state, thank God, my husband sees only what I show him, and understands in me what I explain. I rush about again and think - isn’t it easier to give in to my weakness, although accepting the fact that I live with one, and sometimes I meet with another for an outlet (in bed) is just disgusting. That's why I probably wrote for the first time, hoping - maybe something will come to reason from someone else's lips, or what a miraculous recipe they will tell me - for the strength to be right. I still sometimes wait - as deliverance and as retribution - that my husband will simply find a woman who will be better than me, stronger, that they will be connected by love, passion, devotion - and I, let me be alone, if I couldn’t, if you are the one to blame. One. It sounds scary, but it's fair. And it would be fair, even if I am not destined to build anything with the one whom I love so madly today - since there are much more "against" the fact that something is possible than "for". Because (this is me, anticipating counterarguments) it is quite possible that I idealize him, that I overestimate my understanding of him, that he is not afraid of any of my approaches, and does not hide anything like vulnerability and weakness inside, because he really does not care , whether I am or not - just a protracted affair with a woman who cares so much about him, flattered pride, satisfied attraction and nothing more. I am aware of all this. I just don't know for sure. I'm tired. I just hope for the time. Today, my strength, which kept me from a dishonorable act and joy once again to feel the warmth of his palm, breathe in the smell of hair, hear his voice, drown in my eyes, smooth out the "thinking" wrinkles on my forehead - this letter was to you. I sincerely hope I didn't bore you too much. Thank you for your support and attention.Olga-WWWoman: Hello Natasha! I’m trying to figure it all out by reading your letters, which are stunning in terms of the depth of feelings and the strength of feelings. I put myself in your place and imagine what I would do. I think everything would depend on how much I value my husband. I am always very clearly aware that if I do something like this to myself, the relationship will end. And I always stop myself in time, because my husband is the most precious thing, I don’t even want to take risks and endanger our love. Love. Apparently, love outweighed in you. It is a pity that to another, not to her husband. That's the whole reason. First admiration, then passion. So all this is humanly understandable. Your husband leaves you alone, sometimes for a long time - and it is his fault that it happened. Blind. From helped too. But this will not justify you in his eyes, he just believes you. But if he had not left you alone with a friend, a person who is somewhat unprincipled, as I understand it, nothing would have happened. And yet, and yet... if you had positioned yourself differently, the friend would have moved away. But you didn't want to give up happiness. Happiness-Trouble is, not HAPPINESS. Dangerous mix. So you say that everything needs to be explained to the husband like a child, and the second is strong and self-sufficient. Well, if he is so strong and independent, how did he endanger the fate of his friend and his wife, and his own too? So I imagined that I was yielding to the courtship of my husband's friend and what happened - I put my husband's honor, their friendship and my marriage at risk. Never. Not worth it. Of course, it is easier for me to refuse - I love and appreciate my husband very much, it always helps me in such situations. You are looking for a universal recipe. But you are drawn to it more and more. This is a personal tragedy, but you have to somehow hold on. Tell yourself: we didn't get a "closed marriage", it turned out - "open". And now what, shoot yourself and not live? He leaves for a long time, he leaves me alone, how do I know, maybe he asked his friend to caress me. How do I know, maybe his friend allowed himself this with me because he knows about my husband's novels (romance) with another woman? You must ask yourself these questions. Perhaps everything is fair and everyone is happy? The only advice: do not ask your friend for meetings. let him want it and insist. But no - save your dignity and endure. I think you are in dire need of self-respect right now. You need to stop expecting emotional handouts from him. ICQ, say it is turned on and is silent (it works, yeah). Show his number and everything. Let him think what and why. Understand, it's humiliating to expect favors from him. Yes, you will be angry at last! Chop all expectations - then he will quickly want to know what is on your mind and soul. And so he sees - you lit the ICQ flashlight and are waiting ... but he doesn’t need anything else - and everything is clear and understandable ... she is waiting. You must behave differently: if you don’t want to, don’t, I will never be left without a man. What's up with your husband? This is our personal business and so on... Put him in the cold, let him not think that he is the only one so irresistible and fatal. You write "theatrics". Perhaps, perhaps. But the theatricality of phrases is better than submissive silence and an ingratiating look. Believe me. You are an extraordinary woman. And your life is appropriate, and feelings, and suffering. You will be fine, I'm sure. And this fantastically happy romance will be considered your whim and a gift to yourself.
Natasha: Hello Olga. It's even surprising how you sometimes manage to get to the point so aptly, analyzing the words of a stranger. This is both strange and pleasant at the same time, because it does not give rise to the feeling of "letters into the void." And here I am again at the same lesson, in the same state, only with a small eventual difference: what I theorized about yesterday has taken place today. "Hi. If you want ..." "No" "Well, as you say" And all that essentially happened was that I deprived myself of the joy of being with him, well, you can of course add about conscience and about as it is right, and about self-respect - but, damn it, why doesn’t all this warm me now ?! Yes, you are right, of course, the happiness of my moments is trouble, this is torment, this is torture, I understand this. This is probably selfishness, but when I manage to keep myself within the limits, the same thought burrows in the brain: "Is it really never going to be as good for me as it used to be with him before?" Yes, he is a strong person and self-sufficient, but the main thing is that he is not easy, ambiguous. It cannot be sorted out and a verdict - good or bad. Here you write: how is he SUCH and put everyone in jeopardy? And I don't know how. And this is not the only question that neither I nor other people who know him can find an answer to. That's why I could not resist, and failed to reject, that he really always behaved like a true friend, I had no reason to doubt the sincerity and strength of their friendship. And maybe that’s why I decided at first that only something very serious towards me made him step over their friendship - I just didn’t ask, I hoped that my heart would figure it out and time would tell. After all, everything did not happen on the same day: for eight months I held back from the last step, and all this time relations in the family were not the best - we were in a crisis, and from my husband I often heard “I just have a lot of you”, “you need to find more some interests", "I have to think whether I need what we have, and if necessary, why". And there was another one nearby, ready to listen, understanding everything, who put many things at risk, but still created "accidents", bad and good at the same time. I am not trying to justify myself in this way now, I still consider myself guilty of everything; I, explaining to you, I myself try to comprehend everything. And to say: my husband was blind and narrow-minded, and his friend was a scoundrel, - that's how they took me and let me down under the monastery - this does not solve anything. Of course, from the very beginning I admitted the idea that the whole game was just to get me as a prize, but as time went on, the relationship did not stop, and I even more believed in the existence of something serious to me, although there were no words, it is confirming, no special courtship, no crazy deeds. But are words the most important thing? How often do people say to each other what is not really there, just to get the cherished. I just looked into my eyes, I listened with my heart, I felt with my skin - not words, impulses, and with each meeting I became so lighter that I simply stopped thinking. About the situation, about the feelings of others, about finding a way out. And then the decline began, I began to ask questions about how he "really", and what I heard quickly returned me to a state of torment. I must also say that we never discussed anything and did not find out in person, each seemed to pretend that there was nothing to ask about, everything was clear, and everyone understood his own. And on the Internet behind a computer it is much easier to hide and pretend, or vice versa, to tell the truth without sparing, and it’s not so scary to ask - there is always the opportunity to deceive yourself, to an answer you don’t like, say to yourself: “no, it’s not him, I remember his eyes He can't really be like that." Just try to understand at the same time what they are telling you at this moment - the truth / untruth. And he was one today, tomorrow another, warm, cold, attentive and cruel - I was confused, I remembered my youth, as it was before, I, as you rightly noted, lost respect for myself, my condition began to depend on what the word will be today. Understanding this, I simultaneously understand that all this has no tomorrow, but every time, after holding out for another month or two and receiving another unobtrusive "if you want", I become cowardly, I say to myself - well, one more time to melt with wax from your warmth, sculpt, whatever you want, and then I will endure everything, then there will be so much time without you to be strong and correct, then everything will be - only you will not be, the way you become, lowering the curtain and taking off the mask. I never look for it first and I don't offer anything myself. (If I hang in ICQ, I hang for half an hour, and then - an invisible mode - I just observe and seem to be in the know - how long the work will drag on this time). And to play in the cold ... On the one hand, it’s just scary that even faster I’ll deprive myself of even the meaningless “hello, how are you”, because I deceive myself that I can once again stay on the verge of friendly conversations (still the same problem with understanding , as it should, and the lack of will to do it). On the other hand, what's the point? Trying to manipulate, to force me to play by my rules - while knowing full well that there is no tomorrow - it's kind of like turning everything into an affair. Perhaps I still know him a little in order to play certain strings, it would seem - why not, because he takes advantage of my weakness, my emotional attachment - but I DO NOT NEED it. I just love him, sincerely, without understanding him to the end, the way he is, we don’t always love only those who deserve it, and if he doesn’t love me at the same time, then this is my misfortune, mixed with guilt for my betrayal, and let everything be honest and simple between us, if you want - yes, if you don't want - no. With my manipulations, to make him want my body longer - I just don't need it. I turned your words a little, I understand that you were talking about something else - but it just caused this kind of thought in my head - I'm just sharing. Do you know how it is - to LOVE - would you agree to receive in return your own calculated and provoked reaction? After all, real happiness, it just happens when next to you is not a puppet, but someone who knows how to sincerely and vividly feel in response, you won’t want to and you won’t have to leave somewhere. Today I was cold, probably more than it took for him to think there what was happening to me now. But not to lure - I'm really a little angry and very offended by the way he talked to me lately, and he just came and said his "if you want." It's too much. So perhaps it was today that this whole story came to an end - and I will no longer decide once again whether to be or not to be, to twitch in search of an answer to the question of what is better, to be correct and honest with others or be honest with myself, my own feelings and desires. Thank you for your support, for your help in my diggings, for empathy. I sincerely wish you all the very best. With gratitude, NatashaOlga-WWWoman: But it couldn’t be that he once told your husband that I like your wife very much, and he replied: I don’t mind if you spend some time with her when I’m not there, communicate, let her not feel lonely in my absence ... That then explains a lot. Then there was nothing to be executed at all. And a friend can always tell him: you yourself wanted this, not to such limits, but you didn’t mind ... Natasha, I really understand you, I want to prolong and be happy - and then at least the grass does not grow. In such cases, everything is decided by time, it will put everything in its place. Try not to make this arrangement too painful for you. Take care of your family. By and large, no one needs us, except for our loved ones. To spend time, to make love - many are happy, but to get married, to be a support and take responsibility ... - there are few such hunters.
Natasha: Hello Olga! It's probably funny and not very nice to come back again and write to you again. Moreover, last time I started with some kind of desperate criticism of categoricalness from the desire to defend myself, and now ... Now I just need to hear a couple of words from a reasonable, experienced, wise person - maybe they will help me resist, cope with which I am unable to do on my own. Or maybe you just need to talk with someone again about what hurts and torments, and the person you have already trusted once is best suited in this regard, if only because you can’t talk to anyone else, not to relatives , nor with girlfriends, you can’t even give out a half hint - people are observant, they themselves will think of everything and connect it. The question that torments me is not new, it is the same - how to find the strength in yourself to part with a person, if all your insides are desperately resisting this, and it’s also impossible not to part, because the situation has exhausted you to the limit ?! Since the time of my last letter, we have seen each other more than once, even though every time I gave myself the word - "this last one." In general, we somehow often began to see each other, and this time at his house, and waking up there in the morning was so light and pleasant that it drowned out all the reproaches of conscience from the fact that I was to blame for my husband, and the pangs of jealousy, from the fact that He is not only with me. And if more than two weeks did not pass from crossing to crossing, I generally blissfully retained the ability not to think about anything - I just felt good. It was bad if the weekend came, and he did not call, and was absent from the computer, and I painfully thought that maybe this time he had someone else. And then he appeared, casually spoke about "a lot of work", called - and did not have the will to even think "is it worth it." And then domestic circumstances, family vacation, and I left, and silence even on my return, spring, my birthday, a cold "congratulations" of four words in ICQ, the absolute absence of at least some kind of communication, even just the words "hello, how are you ". Probably it was then, tormented by insomnia and uncertainty, that I once again realized what “just sex”, “just have a good time” means, I realized that the happy eyes that a man looks at you in the morning do not mean anything yet, and tenderness is different do not mean anything, there are simply people who have taken pleasure to a high technical level. He's probably the same. This is me to finish off. Sometimes it seems to me that only by hurting myself can I make myself leave. I remember everything, I can’t forget anything, neither good nor bad. There is plenty of both. You begin to remember the good - and so again you want to see at least once. You understand that this is not possible. You start sorting out the bad until you charge in your eyes and howl in pain and sob hopelessly somewhere in the corner without tears, to the point of dizziness. Until you think again - well, why am I like this, because it was good for me. And you stagger from side to side - from bad to good, you get bogged down in the past, knowing full well that it's time to move on. Understand. I can not. Each time, leaving his house, I thought: if only I could leave a little earlier, until he said first that it was time for me to leave, smiling, saying goodbye politely on the threshold. Succeeded, left. And only a few days later the question came: what next? Is that all or not? Call / not call? And now, I’ve been exhausted for a month and a half, every day only thinking about him in secret, I decided that that’s all, that even if I call, I’ll find a reason not to come - so far I’ve been silent. And she began to appear, again began to speak cautiously - and again she began to look for excuses in order to knock out the right to see in front of herself. If he calls. But the point is not in the right, but in the pain that all this causes me. That I can't do it anymore. It’s not even about my family and not about my obligations to other people, but about the fact that I can’t see someone who doesn’t care, so I’m looking for all kinds of tiny evidence to the contrary - and they really are so tiny and everything consists of the past and illusions based on the fact that indifferent sex is different, cold - although how would I know what it is, with my two-man experience. Here again, there were several warm notes in his words, and with great difficulty I tore myself away from the screen and left. Warm caring notes and words that the creative crisis has finally passed (something like an excuse for silence, as I understand it). This is on the one hand. And on the other hand, an imminent joint event, at which I will be the hostess, and he will pay a visit. According to her husband, with the new madam. God, give me strength and courage, and more! It's not to leave, not to hide, not to stick a snotty nose into the pillow - it's to look straight - without pain in the eyes, without trembling in the voice, to behave with dignity that it was he who showed off in front of his friends in such a way that it was simply inconvenient for him to come alone. If he calls. How???!!! And one more thing has been haunting me for a long time: if he is so indifferent, if there is enough female around him besides me, why, why does he continue all this with me, because it’s time to get bored, and the situation is ambiguous and ticklish, risky? ! Why doesn’t he throw it to hell, since I’m so indifferent, why doesn’t he just go headlong into his private life with other candidates?! How I need to hear the advice of a wise person now, how to cope with myself, with emotions, with feelings, how to burn everything inside in order to live on! It is so important for me now to keep a clear head, I have to finish important work, things are up to my throat, and all thoughts are by no means about work. You are an experienced person, can you tell me how to go inside, how to stop thinking, waiting, hoping, enjoying every little thing, how not to let your head spin when his most insignificant attention starts to intoxicate her again?! They say, look for the interests of others, load up with deeds - so that there is no time. I don't understand. Cases shaft, hassle too. But interests do not interest, and affairs by no means make it impossible to think. About him. It looks like I'm drowning. One hope for some unforeseen lifeline. Thanks in advance for the opportunity to spill all of this. I.Olga-WWWoman: Your love is a living organism, very energetic, temperamental and alive. It's impossible to kill. You just need to learn to live with him in peace and with yourself too. Remember the film strangers is your fruit, it is your own, dear, dear and ALIEN, frightening. Operation, murder? This is the correct answer. But the hand is not raised. Suffered, his own, flesh of flesh. your feeling. Your lust. It is surgically removed as follows: such insults are inflicted and such acts are committed, after which He himself will not come close. It remains only to say to myself: I am proud and run, I will not beg for mercy. A perfect occasion is his visit with a lady. You can, after all, motivatedly or not very insult him in front of a lady, humiliate him, and so on ... find fault with a word, point to the door (there are many options). To break it completely and tell your husband not to have his legs here anymore, and the like... if He tells your husband about you, say that he is taking revenge. Primitive, but I do not see another way out yet. Find a reason and kick out, humiliating. Doesn't he humiliate you with his handouts? And the tenderness in his voice is due to the fact that he is not an idiot, he feels purely masculine gratitude, and he feels guilty - he seduced you. In fact, a friend of a husband and such ... they call such scoundrels, it's obvious. But women of scoundrels somehow prefer, especially, charming scoundrels. The second option is to live with it until either it dies itself, or you grow old (everything will end with menopause, though it’s a long wait). Try to convince yourself: this is me for health, he is an outlet for me, thank you for being. Sometimes - to agree to meet, sometimes - to refuse. But don't run after him. Make a vow to yourself: let it last as long as he wants and calls. But don't be humiliated. Give yourself a word that you yourself - no, no. Only if he calls. While all. In the life of every woman at least once there must be a fatal man and a fatal passion - otherwise it's not interesting :-) It will be funny when they come to visit if you behave cheerfully and frivolously, embracing a friend and flirting with him - so he twitches ... "Hello", hug, kiss, "what a sweetheart you are today, sheer charm", pat on the chest, "you always dress with taste", you look great. Then come up to show something (new pictures, praise my husband, "my husband and I" dream, "my husband and I were." Smile, be irresistible, self-confident, let everyone know what you want, and you would .. What a thrill - to look at his reaction... if he plays a complete ignore - to say: when you come without a husband and a girlfriend, for some reason you don't shy away when I kiss you on the cheek. .. to pin me up ... "I guessed that you are not indifferent to me", it's me purely in a friendly way, but something is wrong with you (laugh at him, offend). Scary? Are you afraid to offend? And you do not be afraid - he is not afraid to keep you in suspense. Show him character, artistry, the ability to walk on a knife edge. And don't be afraid of anything. Another option: in his presence, hug your husband, kiss him on the lips, praise, look with loving eyes. Before that, it’s better to be cold and “out of sorts” with your husband (before the guests arrive). He will be glad, even with guests, that you "thawed out" and will not shy away. You will succeed. You can generally ignore a friend and look only at her husband and talk only with him and with a friend's girlfriend. In general, good luck and victory! First of all - over the fear of seeming stupid, awkward, and over yourself. I want to warn you: it is quite possible that the husband invited him with a lady to check your reaction, he may know something ... Therefore, it is very important to behave naturally, to enter the role of a friend's wife, condescendingly and kindly to her husband's friend. FORGET that this is HE. Just a friend, nothing special ... (As a variant of behavior). I can predict: You will not stay with either the one or the husband. You will have a person whom you will love so fully that you will completely forget this current passion of yours, you will remain friends with him who call back twice a year. He will not live with this lady, he needs her now, as rehabilitation in front of your husband, in order to remove any suspicions. Having figured out these plans of his, you will have fun, and this will help you adequately meet the upcoming guest unrest.
Natasha:Hello Olga. Thank you very much for the answer, support, for advice. For listening to me. I wanted to immediately sit down and write again, but I tried to persuade myself to walk around and think a little. A strange feeling arose inside this time: there is no remedy, no answer, no help that could come from outside and solve my problem. This is right - carry your own cross, stumble and pay the bills. It turns out that I myself am not so stupid, because I have already tried this and that. And I understood. I shouldn't be a surgeon. I cut with one hand, and immediately shed tears and put the cut back on. It was already such that there were no legs in the house. But nothing happened, because on the one hand she drove, and on the other, she apologized for her rudeness and justified it with her attitude. True, I thought nothing would help, and everything would be finished not with a dot, but with a nasty black blot. And as a result, a couple of months passed, burned out - and back, to step on the same rake. Because the point is not to drive a person away, but to cut out of yourself. And if he stayed to live inside, he will return after "went out" when he wants to. I just don’t understand why he wanted to, since he constantly emphasizes that this means nothing to him, and the insult was inflicted on him harshly and defiantly, and with those other witnesses, and satisfaction in the form of “sorry for the rudeness in form, but in fact - I do not repent" no one saw. So it’s clear that you’ll have to endure and wait, and leave quietly and silently, because it didn’t work out peacefully and obviously either. From the justification "it is necessary for health" it becomes vile and vile - but probably so much the better, maybe just such a banal explanation will land everything inside; and when it goes out inside and control returns, then, of course, I will not allow anything else, no matter how physiologically I need it. I believe a little in the prediction, a little not. I won’t be with him, that’s clear, unless everything turns upside down and it suddenly becomes clear that everything was much more important to him than it was said out loud. But this is unrealistic, and you shouldn’t think about it at all, especially since there is already so much pain and unpleasant moments between us that it is unlikely to be forgotten to such an extent as to build something common further. With my husband ... It seems to me that although there is nothing crazy and supernatural in our relationship, but this is the only person in the world with whom I can live in the same house. And there are several reasons for this. The first is that all the men in my life have been some kind of wrong-fatal, only before it did not go so far. Maybe I was taller and cleaner than I am now. Stormy passions, great emotions overwhelmed, complete freedom, lack of obligations and restrictions. Are you building something together? I didn’t even think that there could be a family and a house, I expected to live on my own, occasionally plunging into another pool, no more. And then a completely different person met, and everything worked out with him, until the fact that he was completely different began to press, and longing for his crazy passions ached. Until a weakness was discovered in the very person to whom she switched from loneliness without an interesting friend and interlocutor, leaned on to wait and calm down. So I want to hope that everything will burn out, and then it will get better, what it was before will return - and if it doesn’t go out with him, then it won’t work out with anyone, and that means I’m really alone. And I won't meet anyone else. Also because I don’t want these whirlpools anymore, and I’m unlikely to be able to do it again like this, without question, without looking back, take and believe, and follow - it turns out that this time I just decided to use a person who before that, he was a real friend to me and our family, about whom I didn’t even think that he could hurt me just for the sake of his pleasure. This is the second reason. Probably because it’s so hard to stop everything with him, because he doesn’t fit in with himself, the way he presents himself now, with the one I knew before. And it turns out that either the person has fundamentally changed, or not everything that he says and makes it clear is actually true. And this is again the hope for some incomprehensible happy ending, which, in a company with great internal similarity and banal physiological compatibility, does not allow to end it all once and for all. Until then, play, play, play. Acted coldness and false courtesy. And just not to stumble and not to forget the right words. And the most difficult thing in this game is that from time to time you have to talk about him with his mother, with his sister, justify in their eyes his next temporary choice and go cold inside from their inadvertent remarks that I care about him as husband's friend more than some new madam. A narrow circle of closely related faces and a lot of details from their mouths about a person you try your best not to think about. You will not quarrel with everyone who knows him and talks about him, because in this way you will have to quarrel with everyone, including your relatives and your own son. That's probably all that has matured in my head during this time, and I want to say about one more thing. I just can’t understand how a person out of guilt can look at you in the morning with happy eyes and smile with a happy smile? After all, then, according to the logic of things, I should look at my husband every day with SUCH shining eyes, because the degree of my guilt in relation to him is much higher, and I would gladly at least provide him with such a look, because he is a good person, and I am also not indifferent , and hurt him and lose very, very scary. But it doesn't come out. You try with your voice, but you hide your eyes. And the involuntary curvature of their smiles, one or the other, has to be justified. I'm not such a bad actress, but it's not easy to play joy and happiness that isn't there. So is he really such a good actor that I, peering and listening with prejudice, see something that doesn’t even smell?! Yes, and why is it - to push away here, and there to depict joy in your voice, if it doesn’t matter whether I exist or not? After all, you can simply observe the formal politeness "hello" as a token of gratitude, kiss your shoulder in the morning, call a taxi - and that's enough. In general, I still specifically misunderstand something important in male behavior. Goodbye and thanks for everything.Olga-WWWoman: Yes, it’s just right for me to ask you for advice - you are smart and everything is creative with you, at the maximum. We must be very similar. I've just calmed down, and you haven't played enough yet. Only at the end of life we ​​will understand - whom we loved, and with whom the devil beguiled. But I have always paid tribute to my feelings to the maximum, one difference - driven into me by upbringing, that cheating on my husband is out of the question. True, with my husband there is no need to make efforts. Somehow it turned out that all the former hobbies and passions receded into such a faded plane, I don’t even look almost in the direction of men, only aesthetically, no more ... the husband takes everything. But I was looking for it for a long time. Not on purpose, I was looking for, but we will assume that I was looking for. Natasha, I have this option after your words: he loves you, but because of a friend, because you are a friend’s wife, he doesn’t want to destroy your family. By the way, his numerous passions indicate that he does not love anyone but you. And repels in order to keep the situation under control. You can, of course, take a chance and live alone, having lost your husband, maybe then he will open up ... but again, he will look dishonorable to people - he married a friend's wife ... he is unlikely to go for it. A dead end ... I think, since he does not call you as a wife, it means that he is not ready and cannot cross something. Natasha, in such cases, many break down and leave together, someone suffers for many years, someone finds the strength to break. In any case, you can't call your life a swamp... everything is at its maximum, a complete anguish... apparently, you were created for just such a life. Otherwise, if you felt that you were already mortally wounded, you would have broken, after all, we are all egoists. And since the situation is still compatible with life, you continue, because if you break up with him - dullness and longing ... Perhaps this is the only way for you to exist - to love madly, suffer, burn out and walk on a razor's edge. That is, perhaps for your nature this is the only way to live. Natasha:Hello Olga!. Thank you very much for your words. I guess today I read just what I really wanted to read for a long time. It was probably very important for me to see that at least someone else, besides me, somewhere far away, in his thoughts admits such an option. I myself consider it unlikely and more often I think "how did I manage to assume such a thing and go on about it ?!" But it is he who allows me to somehow justify what happened between us. A lot of things are against him, this option, but there is also something elusive "for". I really wanted at least someone else to look from the outside and consider it possible. Or maybe slyness? Just to tell the girl what she so longs to hear? :-) No need to answer. Let this little bright illusion remain with me, maybe it will help me to do everything RIGHT. Thank you very much. Good luck to you.Olga-WWWoman: It was not cunning, and not an illusion, I just tuned in to the wave of your impressions and heard this melody, it is not weak, it is muffled by the noble barriers erected by him, but I was able to hear it, though indirectly, through you ... but, I think, this was the most sensitive and faithful channel ...Dear readers! Please send your responses to this post to me. Be sure to indicate under which your email address and name to publish your review of this material. Olga Taevskaya, chief editor. P NATASHA'S STORY CONTINUED, HER SECOND LETTER: "BOTH GONE"RESPONSE TO NATASHA'S LETTERS: