My husband doesn't want to have a lover. My husband doesn't want me: the reasons and how to improve the intimate side of life. Why a husband doesn't want a wife: the main reasons
Much has been said about how women have headaches and frigidity. But why does a man - an alpha male, always thirsting for sex - not want intimacy, and lying in bed, turns his back to his wife and, without the slightest hint of sex, begins to sniff sweetly?
The woman is worried: “The husband doesn't want sex ... Has he stopped loving me? Got yourself another, younger one? Do I not attract or excite him anymore? Did he notice that I got better? Is our marriage at stake? "
Let's figure out how such fears correspond to the real picture, and how to fix the situation by warming up the family bed?
Why doesn't a man want sex?
If a man refuses intimacy, this does not mean that he recently met his classmate, whom he loved in his youth. That forgotten love flared up in him, and now he falls asleep and wakes up with the thought of another woman ...
It also doesn't mean that your thighs in translucent underwear and red lips have ceased to cause admiration in his eyes and an erection in his pants.
The lack of sexual initiative on his part also does not mean that you need to suffer from nervous insomnia, go to file for divorce in the morning, collect things and go with the children to your mother.
The reasons may not be as dramatic or complex as you think.
He has another woman
Usually, this is the first version that comes to a girl's mind. As soon as such a "brilliant" thought flashes in my head - it seems that all the cards coincided: he sits on the phone too often and smiles for no reason, he never opens a notification in front of you, he is late at work for the last week, a strange one walks ...
But how often do such paranoid thoughts justify themselves?
Stress and fatigue
Workaholism interferes with proper rest, sleep, communication with friends, and even more so - sex. Men are no exception. There are times when you need to work for days, solve business issues, go to meetings and promote your business. Relationships, sex, family temporarily recede into the background.
What new panties are there if you can go bankrupt? What is a strip bar when you need to provide for loved ones? What is a shibari show if tomorrow is a meeting with a foreign business partner?
Health problems
Many men do not like to visit doctors, postpone visits to the hospital until the last, silently and with a calm face endure pain and discomfort. Especially if the problems concern masculinity.
While you think: “My young man has cooled down to me,” he may have difficulties with erection and potency, which will cause sexual lethargy. Moreover, if the spouse is not 25 years old. With age, the libido of the stronger sex decreases, they worry about this (although they do not give themselves away), they are afraid of failure in bed or ridicule from a partner.
The burden of responsibility
In society, a man is perceived as a restless alpha male with unlimited sexual opportunities and resources. It's time to admit that this has not been the case for a long time. Initiative in bed, erotic hints, active actions in sex are not only a man's duty.
A woman should not play the role of a log that waits for a man's orgasm, sighing sadly during intercourse.
The longer the relationship lasts, the more difficult it is for a man to carry the burden of responsibility for intimacy. As if his woman does not take part in the decisions: what position, how active, for how long, whose orgasm is in priority, but simply waits: "Take me."
And if a man does not show himself, but gives the initiative to his partner, her habitual pattern breaks down and she makes an offensive, painful and cruel verdict: “The guy does not want me”.
Relationship difficulties
Having regular sex sometimes leads to the misconception that the relationship is okay too. But if you make love only after a quarrel, broken plates and shouts at the whole apartment, such a passion will not last long.
Silence of claims, discontent, desires makes people more constrained - not only in bed, but also outside it.
If you have a crisis in a relationship, misunderstandings, rudeness and mutual accusations, you should not count on cool bed scenes, bright orgasms and sex before dawn.
Reefs of life
If you only write messages to your husband a la: "Buy cheese and cucumbers", go at home in an old terry dressing gown that hides all forms, with unshaven legs, a dull bun on your head and completely turn off the "lady" next to your partner - he will get bored ...
Where is that sexy girl with whom he fell in love and was turned on by just looking at her long legs / hair / eyelashes? Maybe you yourself have buried sex, intimacy and romance by being too lazy to express yourself in an erotic way, but think that if once he had an erection on your ass, now this will happen all his life? ..
He doesn't want me: what to do?
Go to the doctor
If your man refuses sex too often but still loves you, talk to him gently about health. Ask what worries him. Do not press, do not frighten with prostatitis, old age and potency.
You can say that you yourself thought to be checked "just in case" and offer to do it "for the company." Remember - some men need time and moral effort to decide to go to the doctor.
In any case, let your spouse know that you are ready to discuss any topic, even the most intimate, without judgment or ridicule.
And it doesn't matter if he goes to a urologist or to a psychotherapist - be there.
Go on vacation
If your man is exhausting work, you notice that he walks like a squeezed lemon after business meetings and events - it's time to take the initiative into your own hands. Offer your spouse a little break away from career ladders and secrets of success. You don't have to take a full-fledged vacation, spend all your savings on air tickets, and then, upon returning, find yourself in a material abyss.
Go to the countryside for the weekend, arrange a BBQ-party for friends at your dacha, go to a dance workshop together.
You won't be able to relax in ten minutes of eating borscht for lunch - understand.
Choose the option that is optimal in terms of finances and time in order to get a little distracted from the everyday fuss and worries: an unsigned contract, an unfinished dialogue and a burned-out light bulb not screwed into the corridor will wait.
Discuss relationship
Talk to your partner instead of googling, "Why doesn't the husband want a wife?" There can be a huge number of reasons, and they are more personal and sophisticated than illness and fatigue at work.
Feeling uncomfortable in a relationship? Have a conversation. Are you worried that your spouse is cold? Share your worries with him.
Even if you are worried that he has another woman, a mistress or three mistresses, you can ask directly: "Do you have someone besides me?" But keep in mind, when asking such a question, you must be prepared to hear the most unexpected and, possibly, painful, answer.
Include a passionate kitty
You are not a mother to your spouse, stop asking if he put on clean panties, brushed his teeth before bed, and what food he will take with him to work tomorrow. You are the woman he once fell in love with, who aroused, inspired and inspired.
Cultivate these, perhaps forgotten, states in yourself. Flirt with your husband in public places, hint at sex in SMS: "Buy cucumbers, as hard as your penis ...", dress more candidly, at least at home.
Sometimes it's better to take off your cozy warm socks, move away from the hot stove, turn off your favorite TV show and turn off the lights. Instead, put on erotic lingerie, turn on muted romantic music, and light some candles.
Don't expect a man to always see you as a sexy goddess of love and orgasms, just become her!
Talk about intimate topics
You may have been turned on by having sex in missionary position with the lights off before, but now the repetitive motion is boring. This is not strange. Addictions change, sensitivity from monotony and monotony - falls.
Try talking to your partner about your sex preferences. What fetishes turn you on? Men with glasses, with light stubble and an unbuttoned top button? Carefully hint to your spouse what role you would like to see him in.
And ask what turns him on? When he slightly turns his head at the passing girls - do not rush to slap in the face and throw a tantrum all over the avenue. Look, can these women have something in common? Long hair? Red dress? Straw hat? Shaped waist?
Study your partner - it will help you in bed!
Arrange offline days
Agree with your husband to turn off notifications from time to time, hide phones in another room, and be alone. Let none of you be pulled by your work colleagues, business partners, kindergarten teachers or Instagram girlfriends.
Allow yourself to be alone. Go to a seafood restaurant for dinner, go to the mountains with a tent on the weekend, arrange a tour of the parks in your city, jump with a parachute, take the kids to their parents / nanny and enjoy your partner's company!
Maybe you weren't turned on because you didn't notice each other? Did they look around, at the phone, beyond the horizon, at the road, at the check in the store - but not in the eyes of a loved one?
Offline mode will help you fix that gap and build intimacy.
Can our sex be saved?
In most cases, yes. Just remember: sex, orgasms, erotic innuendos and satisfaction are both partners' responsibilities. If a man doesn't want you, this is a common problem in a couple. Get ready to take the first steps in reconciliation, develop your sexuality and be active in bed.
It is important for a woman to be loved and desired. Therefore, the cooling of passion on the part of a man is perceived as a disaster. “Why doesn't my husband want me? What can be done?" - these questions do not give rest. The wife is offended, withdrawn and the relationship between spouses becomes tense. So that the case does not turn into a desire to divorce, you need to take active steps. First of all - to understand the possible reasons.
Why a husband doesn't want a wife: the main reasons
There is no single algorithm by which it would be realistic to calculate the cause in each specific case - people differ in susceptibility, habits, character, hormonal background and other factors. Therefore, it must be borne in mind that the reasons given below may not apply to all husbands. Most often, the cooling of sexual fervor is caused by:
Fatigue. This can include physical fatigue, when a man is able to think of bed only as a place of rest, and emotional - when he is overcome by restless thoughts.
Health problems. If the lethargy does not go away for weeks, sleep becomes restless and there are problems with appetite, then the body probably has a malfunction. Even if these are problems with joints or stomach, everything can cause apathy. It is enough to remember yourself - do you want to make love when something hurts? In addition, there may well be problems with direct male health.
Relationship problems. The stronger sex also has feelings and emotions. Not all women take this into account. Harsh words, grievances, accumulated unresolved conflicts alienate people from each other in every sense. Firstly, the spouse himself will not be sure that sex is appropriate in this situation. Secondly, it may be difficult for him to forgive something and step over it for the sake of amorous pleasures.
The appearance of a loved one. "Appearance is not the main thing", "he loves me for my soul" - these opinions also have the right to life. But men love with their eyes, so in order to evoke desire, you need to get rid of the stretched robe, and be at least neat. And even better - take care of beautiful lingerie and figure.
Unhealthy attitudes towards sex in the family. "I for you - you for me" is a common formula of relationships in some families. And fundamentally wrong. Some ladies take advantage of the physical needs of guys, extorting some things or behavior from them. “If you don’t buy it, I won’t give it to you,” “I won’t give it until you do it as I want” - because of such blackmail men begin to perceive sex as something inevitably associated with trouble. And there is no desire to have trouble.
Hobbies. It may seem strange to some, but among the representatives of the stronger sex there are people who can even replace hobbies with sex. Usually this is what evokes strong emotions: jumping from a parachute or bungee, going downhill on a bicycle, or even a hot fight in a computer game. An adrenaline rush causes the appearance of endorphins - hormones of pleasure.
Addicted to pornography. Porn has flooded the internet. Many do not see anything bad in it and in vain. Scientists from the National Organization for the Study of the Family have concluded that pornography causes perversion cravings and can deprive a person of the ability to enjoy the usual intimate relationship in the family. The same opinion is held by experts in the field of behavioral sciences.
Treason. The first reason that comes to mind for women. And she, too, cannot be written off: when a man cheats or is simply in love with another, his life partner does not cause strong emotions in him. But in this case, in addition to a decrease in sexual activity, there are other "signs": secrets, delays at work and on business, sometimes a disconnected phone, and so on.
Pregnancy and childbirth. This situation is worth discussing separately. Sometimes husbands refuse to have intimacy with a pregnant wife for fear of harming her or the child. And often with the birth of a child, these fears do not pass. On forums for pregnant women and young mothers, you can often find questions like: "My husband does not want to sleep with me, the child is already six months old." This is because the father of the baby perceives his beloved no longer as a wife, but as, first of all, a mother. Sometimes women themselves move away from life's companions, spending absolutely all their time with the child: the spouses eat at different times, the mother goes to bed with the child early in the evening, and the young father remains bored.
What to do first
Do not panic or hysteria, do not say that he is all lying about fatigue. To find out why my husband does not want me will need calmness and patience. There is no need to start with scandals and accusations - this will only exacerbate the situation. Instead of categorical accusations, it is better to use phrases that speak of experiences: "I think ...", "I feel like ..." And end the thought with the question: "What do you think about this?"
When it comes to fatigue, the recipe is simple - give a person a break or wait until a busy week has passed. If fatigue persists, then offer to drink vitamins or go to the doctor.
You will probably need to reconsider your behavior in the family. Often people allow themselves to speak with family members less respectfully than with outsiders, arguing that they "must understand." Not. Our loved ones deserve courtesy and the kindest words. And if the wrong behavior was admitted, it is worth apologizing - love is more valuable than hurt pride.
You will need to step over laziness, fatigue and self-conceit and still take care of yourself: figure, skin, hair and clothes. What speech can there be about desire, if a woman smells unpleasant, and she is dressed in a greasy robe - it's not even easy to hug this one.
Hobbies are a big part of a man's life. The ideal option is to share his joys with her husband and be near at this moment - so that euphoria is associated not only with some business, but also with his wife. It will not be superfluous to try to diversify your sex life - not only at home, on the couch, in your usual position, but also outdoors in a tent or somewhere else.
Coping with an addiction to pornography is usually much more difficult. You may need the help of a psychologist who will explain how harmful this habit is and help him overcome it. Psychological help may also be required to get rid of fear of a pregnant wife.
In the case of cheating, you need to try to find out what is really going on. Someone decides to fight for a family, someone - to divorce. But it is unlikely that it will be possible to evoke the desire by force in order to surpass the rival.
If you focus on the thoughts “my husband doesn’t want me anymore,” then it’s easy to get bogged down in resentment and move away even more. There are several general concepts that will help to establish the intimate side of life:
It is important to remember that thoughts should be focused on what can be done if my husband does not want me, and not on his shortcomings.
The psychology of men is different from that of women, so it is not easy to understand and even more somehow influence it. Hence, the help of a specialist will be very helpful. Often doctors recommend focusing on the fact that first of all you need to love each other and show love in listening carefully, not rushing to be offended and discussing disagreements.
With this in mind, you can return the joy and pleasure of love to family life.
Alla, Moscow
We have been living with my husband for almost six years, sleeping in different rooms, having sex once a month, or even less often. More often than not, I am the initiator of this. When I try to get to him, he refuses me, referring to the fact that he gets up early, or he has a headache, or he is very tired. And after such refusals, I am nervous, he calls me anxious!
I am so tired of enduring, the lack of sex leads to constant quarrels, this situation annoys me. Otherwise, not everything is good either. When I come home from work, he closes in his room, I go to my room. It makes me so upset that the years go by, and there is no communication at all! She began to think about her lover. Already began to look at other men. I myself am not fat, not ugly, I watch myself.
Katerina, Ukraine, 30 years old / 09.05.18
Opinions of our experts
Alyona
From the letter I did not catch whether you have children. The impression is that no. However, even with these, I can only advise one thing: to change my husband. You do not love each other, your husband does not want you, does not feel desire at the sight of you, does not reach for communication with you. What is such a marriage for? And why, for the sake of its formal preservation, seek solutions to the problem on the side?
Why have a lover when it's fashionable to have a new husband? What connects you with the person who lives with you in the same communal apartment? Why spoil your reputation? Just get a divorce and get whoever you want, but without cheating.
Take it for granted that your relationship has exhausted itself, and for a long time. And move on. By the way, I do not always advise you to break off relations. But in your case, this is the only way out. Weigh the pros and cons of your long marriage. Assess the prospects for the future. Honestly imagine what will happen to your couple in 10 years. And you will understand that your problem is deeper than the lack of sex. Even an impotent person can please a woman if she is important to him. You are 30 years old. What are you waiting for and why?
Sergey
Katerina, we are all human, we are all different, and each has his own attitude and views about everything in the world. Your desires, strengths, capabilities, character. Moreover, for the most part, they are caused not so much by upbringing, licentiousness or, on the contrary, a complexion, as by personal, purely physical characteristics. Accordingly, everyone has their own sexual appetite. It is only in porn movies that people are ready at any age to copulate for hours, and several times a day. In real life, in the vast majority of cases, everything is completely different. Physiology, you know, and directing are opposite things. This is especially true in families where partners have already lived with each other for more than one year.
Alas, according to general observations, daily sex in a constant couple is present for a very short time. Somewhere from a week to a year on average, depending on age, health status, external conditions. Then "bed meetings", together with passion, inevitably begin to subside. And after six years, when the time of the crisis of family life comes, everything may stop altogether. So you're still lucky if there is at least a monthly regularity.
No, this does not mean that the husband has become impotent, or the wife is frigid. And desires with feelings have not gone anywhere. And lovers, quite possibly, no. Well, at least for now. It's just that during their life together, and indeed life in general, people change. And as a result of these changes, both purely physiological and psychological, a huge number of contradictions often accumulate between partners, which they, often, cannot resolve themselves, because they cannot. As a result, instead of talking, trying to understand and accept each other, learning to find a compromise, people accumulate tension, which eventually breaks out, and the couple falls apart.
